A Little Problem - Challenge 37
Flashing steel reflects the sunlight in erratic, dancing prisms of tricolour rainbows, accompanied by the resonating timbre of clashing swords and plumes of swirling dust. Sweat gleams on bronze skin, muscles flex and chests heave. Across the battlefield, twin gazes lock, rivalry and vengeance echoing across the calm eye of the storm that settles around them.
Valiant features contort in rage, ‘Leathan, today my father will laugh at you from...ahh, crap.’
'Cut!'
A strained face, obscured by the fuzz of a month old beard, sunglasses and a ragged baseball cap, looks up from behind a camera, ‘Ok everybody, lets take five.’
His producer slides over as the actors leave the set, ‘I think we have a problem.’
‘Yeah, we should've got Christian Bale.’
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-06-25 06:28
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Hmm - I'm not having any of the problems other reviewers are having. I think the opening works as it shows that everything LOOKS fantastic.
Then we find the actor can't even remember his lines (which could have served as the punchline, and may actually have been a better punchline - have the director etc. excited about how well evrything is going, fingers crossed that this time the guy would actually remember the lines).
The ending shows the frustration of the director and producer.
Yeah, I think it works, Rupert.
Cheers
Karen |
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Hahahaha! Lolling on the floor now...
Ok. The imagery is wonderful in the first graph, giving way to cut and dry dialogue.
He turns to his producer as the actors walk off, ‘I think we have a problem.’
He turns felt a little out of place. The story begins vague, and should end vague. Just an opinion. |
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| This was a really good take on the theme... I enjoyed reading it... I honestly don't see where it can be fixed... |
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| Definitely overworked in the adjectives department. Strip out all that aren't essential and add in something to show how bad the acting is, so that the ending makes sense. |
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I like the idea you're working with here - a director's dillemma with bad actors and melodramtic scripting.
But it's too much for the length and the main idea gets lost. It would probably work better in a longer length, rather than an encapsulation in 125 words or so. Maybe start by cutting out most of the adjectives, in that first paragraph, a kind of moving from a panoramic view of a battle to a two-man focus. (easier in a longer piece than is a very short-short/flash piece.) Plus, the overacting is seldom visible from a camera - it does become obvious when one sees the daily takes, so the final dialogue wouldn't likely happen that early. |
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