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Comment by: PANDORA - 2008-08-27 13:08
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Some one sent me this email as if I could not take the critique out loud on the piece itself. I have no idea who it is as they have deleted their profile.
I have added it to the comments to be fair to myself. To remind me that I can not please everyone and I still have a long way to go. The comment, though a little crude in manner, is valid as everyone entitled to their own opinion.
Hi, About your piece Paragon. You must stop thinking of writing in complete sentences when you are writing a poem. Poems are about economy and rhythm. Now you look like the kind of person who will read this and say, OK Fuck him! He doesn’t get what I’m doing. You’re right! This is the way to make it unforgettable in someone’s mind. Now rather than be hostile just think about it! You have this in the Poetry section, but I don’t know…maybe fuck me!
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ |
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| this reminds me of a grreat intro for a song but its still really good and i liked it so keep writing |
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"strain my heart in order to let you go.
I fall and break into pieces."
To make it stronger I'd lose 'in order to' and then lose the "I" from the following line, thus:
strain my heart, let you go,
fall and break into pieces.
A lovely poem. |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-06-09 06:25
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Yep, in situations like this time passes "too fast" and "too slowly". The last line ‘is' a mite awkward.
Swimming upstream in your wake (Great line!) sets up the image of a leaping salmon so you might think about swapping BREAK for SPLASH to continue the imagery. |
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Comment by: acid43 - 2008-06-08 22:00
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| i thought it was rather good that the ending was so abrupt no one saw it coming and i think thats how the girl in the poem fealt she was having such good times with this guy and then it was over and her heart was shattered before she could even see it coming. i like it very nice |
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