Detective Digger
“Digger's his name,"he laughed. "He has a bad habit of digging holes. Tuesday, sniffing out old bones he buried, he dug a hole the size of a child’s swimming pool."
“Well, we aren’t getting intimate with Digger in the bedroom,"she replied,"When we get married, he’ll have to stay outside.”
“Neither ex-husband owned a dog?”
“I wouldn't let'em. Dogs are annoying.”
“What happened to both men?”
“I don’t know; they just disappeared.”
Next morning:
“Digger dug a deep hole in your vegetable garden while we made love. I think he found your vanishing ex-husbands.”
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Comment by: Ghetty - 2008-07-25 16:34
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| Okay, now I know who's 'he' and who's 'she'. The only other issue I have is that the fellow's line of questioning makes him sound like Joe Friday or something. Good ending, though. |
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Comment by: Ghetty - 2008-07-25 10:48
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| Not bad, but I'm not sure who the speakers are. |
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I really like the idea of this, but there are some problems with the execution, for me. My biggest one is the strange reactions and emotions. I mean, "Sorry, my dog found bodies in your yard?" definitely seems a bit off. Also, the question "what happened to them?" doesn't seem right either. Most people in love, or about to get married, would leave that subject alone. Maybe "do you keep in touch?" or something like that, but that question implies suspicion, the reason for which is unknown.
Anyways, a few comments
“His name's Digger. He's got a bad habit of making holes in the yard. Tuesday, he dug a hole the size of a small swimming pool, sniffing out old bones."
“Well, he's not staying in our bedroom. When we get married, he’ll have to live in the backyard.” (Stay in the backyard! She must be evil ^_^)
“You've never had a dog?”
“No. Both my ex-husbands wanted one, but I put my foot down.”
“Do you--do you see them anymore?”
“Nah. They've dropped off the face of the earth.”
***
"Um, hon? Digger dug a deep hole in your vegetable garden. Are these . . . skulls?”
Just some suggestions--it's a little bit cleaner now.
Thanks for writing! |
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She's concealing something (or, more accurately, someone), literally and figuratively.
I like the sinister undercurrent...
A fun story! |
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definitely like the concept and Digger, but confused about who is speaking. In my head it is 2 women speaking, but after reading again, maybe it's a man and his new girlfriend? I wasn't sure if the "we" was referring to the 2 characters, or an outside third character.
Also a tad confused with the jump to suddently talking about being intimate. May be a better way to get to the ex-husbands without that leap.
But certainly liked the ending :) |
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