 |
 |
 |
| |
The Outfit....All dialogue flash challenge
"Hi honey...You look like crap today."
"I feel like crap today. But thanks for pointing that out."
"Sorry baby. Is your stomache bothering you? You keep touching it."
"Yes, it is."
"Wait....what's this? A gift? A baby outfit? We gave up on trying because you were so frustrated, and you gave away all the baby clothes you had bought. Is it for your sister's baby?"
"No, it's for ours."
"Oh. Ohhhhhhh...."
Want to comment on this Short Stories?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Short Stories and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
I really liked all of this, except for two things. One, I'm not sure what guy is dumb enough to tell his wife, straight-out, that she looks like crap. Two, it flows really nicely except for
"We gave up on trying because you were so frustrated, and you gave away all the baby clothes you had bought."
that line. It is really awkward in the context of the story, and is obviously there only for expository purposes.
Maybe-- "Sweetie . . . I thought you gave all the baby clothes away. I thought--I mean, with all the trouble--you said you wanted to give up trying."
A little more of him trying to gauge her feelings instead of explaining the situation to us.
Other than that, a couple of edits.
"Hi honey...You look like crap today."
"I feel like crap today. But thanks for pointing that out."
"Sorry, sweetie. Is your stomach bothering you? You keep touching it." (somebody who can't have a child probably wouldn't call his wife 'baby' and rub it in.)
"Yes, it is."
"Wait....what's this? A baby outfit? Sweetie . . . I thought you gave all the baby clothes away. I thought--I mean, with all the trouble--you said you wanted to give up trying. Is it for your sister?"
"No, it's for us."
"Oh. Ohhhhhhh...."
Other than that, a good, subtle piece.
Thanks for writing! |
|
|
| hummm-at first I thought the woman was saying the man looked like crap until the pregnancy was mentioned. So-does the baby belong to another man? |
|
|
| cute. I like the husband's rection. |
| 1 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
