Deadly Alphabet

Twelve years later
I can still see your
eyelashes flicker
as I'm wiping your brow
but I still don't know
what to with my hands

I recall so clearly
the time I saw the

D N R

order telling me:

Do not resuscitate
or take drastic measures

The time I fed you spinach salad
with vinaigrette dressing
Your half-closed morphine eyes

The slow opening and closing
of your mouth with
talk of childhood horseback riding

The time you broke the silence on
one of those days when you could
sit up in a straight back chair

You said "I love you"
So clear and with a long smile
I felt small and weak
Hunched and afraid
I said it back too quietly

A I D S

H I V

The alphabet soup that
would finally kill you

The time you told me about the rape
Talking in the third person
so it would hurt you less to tell

Old tears staining your face
The words hanging in the air
like heavy burdens

The time the final seizures
made your hands clench
with involuntary prayer

With your eyes rolling back
like you were seeing God

The time you started saying
The Lord's Prayer
Convulsions wracking your body

I wanted to steal your voice
and finish your sentences
But I decided not to

The clarity of words didn't matter
Only your voice did
Your final show of strength

The time I held your hands
while they relaxed their secret prayers
and your body stopped twisting

I could see your eyes again
The moment before you died

The time at your memorial service
filled with people I'd never met
and some friend of yours
said that AIDS hadn't stolen your beauty

Twelve years later
my hands relax

It hasn't stolen your beauty
It hasn't stolen your name

G R A C E

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