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heartless
Aska Me
Australia

Words: 181
Access: Public
Comments: 4

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Today I've let you go

These moments that we've shared
These cuddles that you've given me,
Your way of showing me you care

Those words expressed so beautifully,
that made me feel complete
In these, oh, so short moments,
I thought I'd have forever

I've tried my very best
to get you attention
Not even this bleached blonde Barbie hair of mine,
nor my love-stricken eyes of mine, the way they glance at you
oh so playfully,
No, not even them
could get your attention,
for more than a moment

I want to hold on so tight,
like that time you held me and squeezed me and I had no
air,
but today gave me no peace
the day stole you away from me
It rained so hard outside
It stormed so hard inside of me
and now I know you will forget me,
slowly the feelings will go
away
and slowly I will forget you too,
these days will take you
away from me
and these moments I wish to
hold on to so tight, will
perish and be lost forever

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Comments  
acid43 Comment by: acid43 - 2008-06-10 16:28
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i liked it heartless, i would definitly work on your structure, i feel sometimes you let some of your lines run longer than they should have on this piece, the emotion is still there but i feel this is such a strong poem that the emotion is dulled a bit because of the word structure, overall i feel its a great poem keep up the good work :0)
Mick Comment by: Mick - 2008-06-10 04:05
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I think it goes on a bit in places as well but a song can often do that. Tighten the lines here and there it would be great. :)

Nice write.
heartless Comment by: heartless - 2008-06-09 17:27
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thanks mike:)
i know its all over the place !! hehe
mikepyro Comment by: mikepyro Online- 2008-06-09 07:20
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the rhythm trips a bit as it goes, but otherwise it's solid. nice voice perveyed and some great lines and depth throughout.
well done heart.
1

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