Poaching (Edited with Thanks to Mr.Dylan Di Vilde)
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Poetry >> Poaching (Edited with Thanks to Mr.Dylan Di Vilde)
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Poaching (Edited with Thanks to Mr.Dylan Di Vilde)
In the beating drums
in the lighted torches
turning things into
their choicest weapons
in their chilling screams
nearer
closing the distance
I hear my death.
In their vermillion eyes
In their leering faces
in their consuming greed
in their sly aggression
I see my impending doom.
Dripping blood from
carrying an open wound
with a trembling heart and
dry searching eyes
weak paws making bold impressions
on my wet Earth
I looked for my love
whom they took
to their villages.
Come and take me
fight me and nail me
gouge out my eyes
de-skin me
rip me open
create wealth out of me
for I’m always a lone beast
and you a mighty human herd
just let my cubs go back
to their wilderness
where they’ll just strike one
when they are hungry.
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Thank heavens for the "grammar police," however, I wanted to comment on this piece before it was edited. I was called away by one of my little ones. I must say you truly brought me into this Mother Lioness as I felt her sheer pain & anxiety to reach her cubs. Your imagery is amazing as always.
Love your work,
Best,
Bebe |
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| Thanks Dylan for all your invaluable advice. I have made the changes and it indeed reads better from the earlier version now. |
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June,
Furthermore:
Leering hands - try grasping or greedy or lethal. Or even leering faces.
//closing in on the distance// - try Closing the distance or Narrowing the distance. And for more effect put ‘Nearer.’ on its own before that line.
<turning things into choicest weapons> what about : They select choice (or deadly) weapons / weaponry
and ‘I heard my death’ would make more sense as ‘I hear my death ‘ same with ‘saw’ - see my impending death. Although you’ve used death twice - try doom or fate.
Well. That’s enough work for one day.
Hope this helps.
Dylan. |
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Dylan, it was very useful and I see room for revision.Thanks.
//deskin me//
<de-skin me> seems right.
//more nearer//
<more> can be done away with. Thanks.
//leering hands//
I'm not sure I'd like to change that.What's wrong grammatically?
//closing in on the distance//
I'm not sure.
//turning each objects on the way//
I can change it to <turning things into choicest weapons>
Changes made. Thanks. |
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June,
There’s some very effective imagery in this but it seems to me to have been scribbled down in haste. The following lines appear to be grammatically troubled:
turning each objects on the way
closing in on the distance
more nearer
leering hands
deskin me
What is deskin?
Yours, a little puzzled,
Dylan |
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