I’m confused
Rattled
Addled
Confounded
Astounded
Once again
By the idiocy
Of my imbecilic
Harebrained
Self-destructive
Little heart

I kept swearing
I just wasn’t going to
Walk that walk
Talk that talk...
But he walked in
Sweet as sin
Now here I am
Once again
Drowning
In the seas
Of mental
Chaos

Feeling vulnerable
Naked
Exposed ...

Laid out
Like a snack tray at
A party for the homeless
I’ve placed myself
On the table
For consumption
A tasty rarebit
Bloody well
Garnished
On a platter

But there’s no
Simple bleed out
For me this time!
No sir!
This time
I’ve ripped open
An artery and
There’s no tourniquet
Tight enough
To stop
The flow

So here I go
Down the road
To self sabotage
Once again
Wanting answers
Too soon
For questions
Not ready
To be asked

My insecurities
Inferiorities
Burning me up
Like mental wild fire
Raging
Out of control
Consuming
The tinder
of my
Rationality
Does he love me?
Does he want me?
Will he need me?
Will he bleed me?

Poor guy can’t
Get a break
All because
I’m so emotionally
Dusty
Rusty
Out of sync
Out of whack
Don’t know how to act
My license to practice
...Expired...

You’d think I’d learn
From all the burns
I’ve inflicted on myself
In similar
Hysterical cookouts

I’m my own
Psychotic
Arsonist
Starting gloriously
Vivid fires
That I’ve
Idiotically
Put out
Just when they
Were starting to
Flicker
Brighter
and Higher

I wonder now
If its time
To step back
And see
How hot
This inferno
Can burn?
Wondering if
I'll ever
Learn
To let it bloom
Overwhelm
Consume
and engulf me
in its
fiery glow...
…and stop
Drenching it
Coldly
with water???




awh June 2008

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