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Fighting for Comebacks
It's time you knew
That your smirks and frowns
Do not conceal you
It's time you faced
What your numbers fail to erase
You should know I am well aware
Of how safe you keep
In my shadow
And if the scrutiny cements my imperfection
Your hunger will only grow unabashed
Unsatisfied still
The power I once wielded before you
Should have informed you of the dimensions
Of the potential you face
For the mountain you climb
Was shaped by my height
And the path you tread
Traced, and worn smooth by my steps
Fear to experience any moment of my journey,
Not simply that which you condemn
For I have turned inside out
The industry you've sold your soul to
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| You are an excellent writer with great potential. I have read some of your poetry and it seems my only criticism would be that, imho, you need to boil down your language more. You should always eliminate everything that is vague, unnecessary or even a bit unclear (unless you mean it to be). Don’t be afraid of blank verse (the rhyming here seems awkward at the beginning). I can easily see you have a strong enough command over your language to make anything work. I sense that intuitive syntax undeveloped that great writers often begin with. Again, I am no great writer, but I would suggest really refining your language to pack in the most meaning. Keep writing, your great! |
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