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bryanpatton
Bryan Patton
United States, Ca, Fremont

Words: 770
Access: Public
Comments: 5

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First Sight

I woke up early in the morning and yelled out loud as I yawned. I rushed to the shower and got dressed in a flash. There was something in my gut that had me feeling something today would change my life. I checked my wallet, and realized I did not have enough change for the bus fare. It was like I turned into a detective of some kind, because it was like I secured a search warrant with the way I combed through my apartment looking for enough change to ride the bus to work. Finding the correct amount, I bolted out my front door, praying to God that I had not missed my ride to work.

I arrived at the bus stop in time to see the last person board as the bus began to pull away from the curb. I could see as the last passenger walked to the back of the bus, turn my way and open the heavens with her smile. I stood there motionless for what seemed a few days, but realized it to be only a couple of seconds as the bus driver honked the horn beckoning me to board the bus.

I thanked the driver by putting my fare in the change machine and giving him a virtual pat on the back. As I walked towards the rear of the bus, I could feel my head turning from side to side as I; I guess I was searching frantically for that heavenly smile.

Nearing the rear, I saw it happen one more time, I saw the heavens open as the most beautiful women smiled at me again. Her smile was the richest thing I had seen or experienced ever in my life. Our eyes met as a silent conversation began. It was as if our scenery had changed from the back of the bus to floating amongst the clouds.

I thought about telling her she was the most beautiful woman my eyes had ever wandered upon, but my tongue had become numb. I wanted so badly to tell her how she made my heart flutter throughout my chest, but "do you ride this bus often", was all my tongue could muster. I heard laughter flow throughout the bus; from the back to the front of the bus; people were laughing and pointing at my corniness. I didn't care, I mean why should I care, when in my presence was the rarest of beauties.

As I sat down next to her, I imagined running my hands through her short-length hair, I imagined myself whispering in her ear how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I saw us laughing and smiling at each other the whole night of our first date. I could feel the warmth from her smile as she stared at the diamond I was placing on her ring finger. We danced the night away on our wedding night, before retiring to begin our honeymoon.

Our life together was like that of a Disney fairytale romance. The two kids; a boy and a girl just completed the feelings that we shared. The trips together, the massages we shared as a couple. The times we danced staring into each others eyes in our living room. The times I would sneak up from behind her and kiss her gently on her neck. For all the times when one simple kiss from her would solve any argument we ever had, I wanted to tell her thank you for allowing little ole me to share a lifetime with her.

Sitting on this bus, next to this beautiful rarity, I felt compelled to tell her how I felt. I gathered the courage and I stood to my feet prepared to tell her of my feelings. Standing over this jewel, gazing into her eyes made a lump form in my throat. In one moment, I went from a man full of confidence to a child in need of his mother.

I did not realize how much I had choked until I saw the bus pull away from her destination and her walking into my memory. I got to work that day full of regret, but for some reason; I was still smiling. For the first time in my life I could actually say that I was in love. Some might doubt it, some might question it, while some others will just accept it. It doesn't matter how anyone really feels, I know I'm in love and I guess you can say that it was truly love at first sight.

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Comments  
MsWizard Comment by: MsWizard Online- 2008-06-27 17:46
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horisburke, shame on you. Placing your advertising on someone's heartfelt work.
bryanpatton Comment by: bryanpatton - 2008-06-26 21:30
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Thank you guys for the great suggestions, it's suggestions like those that will help me grow as a writer.
Penned Down Comment by: Penned Down - 2008-06-26 09:02
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Overall I liked the piece but, I think it needs to be revised to make me connect with the main character more. You rush through his morning routine which can usually give a glimpse into who the person is, you touch on small things but nothing too deep on who this person really is. Try to get that feel of the situation without telling me every detail like an news article, which parts of this felt like.

"bus driver honked the horn beckoning me" take out 'horn'

"virtual pat on the back." what is a virtual pat on the back?

With some work I think this piece could be all the more powerful. Keep up the good work.
mattarnold Comment by: mattarnold - 2008-06-25 23:21
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Touching memoire; certainly leaves me w/ a warm feeling inside to read this tale. Nice tribute to what I presume is a true story.

To horisbuke I'd ask, is the comments for a story a place to advertise your website, w/o even leaving a comment on the story?

"yelled out loud as I yawned"; that is just not possible, perhaps one followed by the other.
horisburke Comment by: horisburke - 2008-06-14 07:20
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By bryanpatton

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