This is not the kind of story you’ll want to tell everyone you know. It is vulgar and chaotic, but after it happens, you just might not be able to stop laughing.

You get this job at a camp for the summer. The pay is alright, the food is free, and you get to spend your holiday away from the hectic whirlwind of term papers and textbooks at a laid-back resort-type place with a man-made lake and fifty single-and willing girls. But, like any job, there are rules that need to be followed.

Rule number One: Never use the word “Retard”. It’s outdated and degrading; your campers are people, just like you.

Rule number Two: Never trust anyone, even if they’re present when a situation happens. Chances are, someone is still bound to rat you out.

Rule Number Three: Always keep a pair of gloves on you, you might need them.

You’re working with this camper, let’s call him Sam, and so far your day’s been pretty good. No accidents, you got him to health care on time for meds, and you got yourself through dinner without any cutlery mishaps. So you’re getting Sam ready for bed, and it’s time for him to go to the bathroom, but the food they served at dinner hasn’t treated him so well, and he becomes extremely stressed as you seat him on the toilet. You don’t know this now because you didn’t read his profile, but when Sam is suffering from high amounts of stress, his colon becomes loose and slides out of his body.

Sam starts shouting, so you stand him up, and there it is, swinging out of his rectum like a traffic light on a windy Tuesday. You’ve never seen a colon before, so you start crying. You can’t help it, it’s just out there and slimy, and you think you’ve killed him. Sweet, gentle Sam, you’ve killed him and there’s no going back. You frantically call over your co-worker, let’s call him John, and when John sees Sam and his flapping colon his face turns greenish white. You think he’s going to vomit, but then you see the tears start sliding down his cheeks.

This is where the gloves come in. You sloppily pull them on and you and John bring Sam down the long hill to health care, and the entire time his colon is cupped in your hand, like a snake soaked in fecal matter. Sam is crying, you’re crying, John is crying; there are so many tears being shed you need to take turns holding the colon and sobbing. Finally you make it to health care and the nurses take Sam from you, and since they’ve read the profile and know that Sam is not going to die, they work on trying to calm him down.

You find out that when this happens at home, Sam’s workers give him a warm bath to ease him back to a level of calmness. After a few minutes in the warm water, his colon slides back in, and your tears are dried up. You take Sam out of the bath and start to dry him off with a towel when the night staff supervisor comes in to check on you. She’s in University, but she’s as sheltered as it comes, and you’re pretty sure she’s never seen a naked male before. Sam’s bent over, about to pull up his underwear, and you see the look of shock on the girl’s face as she points at him and gasps,

“Oh no, it’s happening again!”

You survey the situation and sigh with relief as you let her know,

“No, Ping, those are just his testicles.”




**A/N** This is a completely true story that happened last year at the camp where I work in the summer. Comments appreciated.

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