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frees340
Vyasar Ganesan
Online
United States, TX, Austin

Words: 197
Access: Public
Comments: 7

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Wee Challenge 38: Wrong Turn

Reed couldn’t tell just exactly what had happened to Thelma, because his understanding of it wasn’t complete. The trees were normal. The road was black, perforated with yellow dashes. But the feeling was there.

It seized him once before, in fifth grade. His diorama of the solar system was marvelous, with its perfectly painted Styrofoam balls, and concise, informative labels. But on the steps of Walker Elementary, he felt a presence, guiding him on to a wrong path. Unsure of its nature, he entered the building, to be trampled by a gang of sweaty-faced teens, looking for mayhem and alcohol.

And here, it had returned, needling him, just at the edge of his vision. It breathed with him, and offered him a cigarette. He could change gears, jiggle the steering wheel, attempt to throw it off, but he couldn’t stop. Reed couldn’t let it catch up to him, not after all these years.

Thelma looked up. “Reed? Is everything okay?”

“We took a wrong turn.” His words came out thick and effort-laden. “And we can’t go back.”

With that, he buried his face into the steering wheel, giving into memory and fear.

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Comments  
KeikoAlvarez Comment by: KeikoAlvarez - 2008-06-17 16:19
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Very nice. "It" does not really matter.
MitchellNoel Comment by: MitchellNoel - 2008-06-17 06:51
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yeah liked this one. has a nice eerie feel. agree with Arley on the demonic force. does leave we wanting to know a bit more, but there is nothing wrong with that.

nice work :)
frees340 Comment by: frees340 Online- 2008-06-16 07:28
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Thanks everyone! Made a few changes, hope it works alright.
krademacher Comment by: krademacher Online- 2008-06-16 06:40
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Nice backdrop and excellent imagery, Vyasar. I can see bits and pieces where it could lose some wordiness, however. For example:


"It was the same feeling that bubbled in Reed as a fifth-grader."

could be:

"It seized him once before, in fifth grade."

This gets rid of the "feeling" repetition AND replaces a passive verb with something more active.

In all, you've got a good flash here. There is definitely a bigger story here. Well done.
Arley Comment by: Arley - 2008-06-16 05:56
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I like the hint that the presence is demonic but never clearly explained, leaves it a nice mystery while it's very clear the MC can't rid himself of it. Good work, Vyasar!
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