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Scotophobia
They told us we were the only humans left in the entire world. Many theorys have floated around for years, but I only trust one.
We are being held prisoner.
I remember when they contacted my parents. I was only 5 years old, and I did not want to go. They told us
"He has an irrational fear, and we think we can cure it."
So my parents signed the papers and the men in white suits took me away in the padded van. That was the last time I saw them.
I felt quite intimidated by the vast Irrational Fear Study Centre the first time I saw it. I was so small, and I didn't understand why this was happening.
The IFSC wasn't so bad on the inside. There were lots of other children for me to play with. I was shy though, and would not talk to anyone. But a pleasant girl would not give up on starting a conversation with me, so I started talking back to her.
Her name was Emily. She was there because she had a fear of germs. We were always together, and became the best of friends. Even ten years later, after they told us the world had been destroyed, we were still best friends. We got into trouble together, ate together, and even did school-work together. She was always the smarter of us two, she knew the entire layout of the facility.
I don't know why we never thought of breaking out.
One day, we were playing in the air vents, like always, but we decided to go off into a different branch; one we had never been down. One that came dangerously close the outside world. That was when we saw it.
A butterfly.
I had always been told that the Outside world was polluted. Had we been lied to all these years?
I had to see for myself
We were scared, but we chased the butterfly to a vent that had cool, strange smelling air pouring out of it.
I took a deep breath and began to open it.
Light flooded in and blinded us, what was this? I had to cover my eyes.
I cautiously stuck my head outside.
What I saw... Was a vast open field.
It was the most beautiful thing tthe two of us had ever seen.
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I think your story has potential, but you must find a unique angle/twist, as this type of story has been done before.
The opening really grips the reader. |
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Comment by: mynamelez Online- 2008-06-17 21:45
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Well I read your story and must say it shows plenty of potential.
The following are only suggestions take them or leave them as you wish.
1 They told us we were the only ones left in the entire world.
Consider revising: We were told we were the last of our kind.
2 that was the last time I saw my parents
that was the last time I saw them.
3 The Irrational Fear Study Center intimidated me quite a lot the first time I saw it; it looked huge.
I felt quite intimidated by the vast Irrational Fear Study Centre the first time I saw it.
4 But one girl kept talking to me, even though I would not talk back.
But a pleasant girl kept talking to me so I started talking back to her.
5 One that came dangerously close to the outside world, which "They" said was badly polluted.
That's when we saw it:
A Butterfly.
I didn't know what to think. It had to be from outside... But that meant that we had been lied to all these years...
I had to see for myself.
consider this variation
One that came dangerously close the outside world. That was when we saw it.
A butterfly.
I had always been told that the Outside world was polluted. Had we been lied to all these years?
I had to see for myself
6 What I saw... Was a vast open field.
It was the most beautiful thing we had ever seen.
(Narrator cannot speak for everyone, maybe others having a different opinion Perhaps add an extra couple of lines to qualify your statement)
I showed led the others out into a vast open field. It was the most beautiful thing we had ever seen.
Good luck with the rest of the story. I look forward to reading it one day. |
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Dystopia stories are hard to write and make believeable. That's one of the things that you have to get round in the first few hundred words, especially if you want it to reach novel length. I don't think you are managing to,with what's shown here.
Ignoring grammar and spelling, you do have the start of a good tale, but...
If you are going to write a long piece, first write the pieces that will excite you, get your passion flowing. I'd have started with finding the butterfly, for example - it's a kind of symbol for freedom. From there, it becomes easier to show (not TELL,as you are doing here) how the narrator and friend got to where they are,and thus indicate where hey are going to go.
Your bio says that one of your favorite books is Flowers for Algernon - take a close look at how Keyes gets the effect - it's not just that charlie's grammar and punctuation are bad, but how the "bad grammar" contributes to what is being shown - follow that kind of principle,and you can't go too far wrong. |
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I kinda wanted to mabye expand it into a short novel, but I need more ideas and A LOT more critiques.
thanks |
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| This story has great movement...I enjoyed the instant connection between your two main characters...I could see them getting into some precarious situations. You should certainly consider adding more to this story...I would love to read it.:)Bebe |
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