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Unnoticed Part 1 (Wee challenge 38)
It was easy to follow her through the aisles of the department store. She had her list and paid little attention to anything else. Without fail, she came to the store every Monday shortly after lunch. Working at the store helped him go unnoticed, free access to her habits.
He noted that she was an animal lover always buying dog food and chew toys. That she preferred aerosol deodorant to roll-on, ibuprofen over aspirin, and white bread trumped wheat bread. Seeing she had a passion for gardening and loved to scrapbook. Counting on her to buy cherries, popcorn and Coca-Cola every week.
He took inventory of the little things that showed him when she was ill, celebrating, even when she was menstruating. He could tell she didn’t have children there were never any kid's meals or toys.
Having left her debit card at home, she had to write a check, giving him access to her name and address. He had noticed the diamond solitaire that she wore on her left ring finger, but this didn’t discourage him, knowing one day she would make a wrong turn and then she would be his.
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I have parts 2 and 3 written, think of them as short flash fiction chapters.
I am really bad about starting sentences with names or pronouns; it's something I'm working on.
Thanks for the critique |
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Interesting stalker bit, Jennifer. Had me riding right along, like a camera in a Cops episode. The part is very well done. Crits:
lots of sentences beginning with "He"
all lumped in one paragraph
requires the follow-on piece |
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| I am enjoying this so far, I have to check out two and three also. What a stalker? I kind of felt like one while reading this. Nice descriptions. |
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Comment by: troyarn - 2008-06-20 02:31
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Arley (as usual) and Mitchell caught anything I would have to say. Other than that, you have a heck of a piece here.
How many times have we went down the aisles noticing the worker following us (here in Bosnia it happens all the time, but I doubt it´s my hot bod that attracts them...more the fear I might swipe something)?
I love how you relate his knowledge of this girl, right down to the details about the time she menstrates. This guy is a freak!
You poked a scene in my head, Jennifer, and it will be awhile till it goes away. And of all things, today is Friday...the day I go to the store and get my own version of cherries, popcorn, and Coca-Cola.
Great stuff! |
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| This is good, I ove the surprise ending. |
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