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Deepbluejc
Jennifer M
United States, Texas, Borger

Words: 192
Access: Public
Comments: 6

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Unnoticed Part 2 (Wee Challenge 38)

“Hey honey,” she said as she placed the grocery bags on the counter.

“Hi, baby how was the store?” her fiancée responded.

“Same as always, crowded with old people in Rascals and kids crying their heads off.” She bent to give him a kiss hello.

“Sounds like fun. Did you get the dog food?”

“Yeah, they were out of the Purina so I got the generic stuff.”

“I hope the dogs will eat it.”

“They will if they get hungry enough.”

“Was your boyfriend there?” he joked.

“Of course, he works there.”

“Don’t you ever feel uncomfortable that he follows you around the store?”

She shrugged, “I don’t think he’s following me, he’s just working. I don’t know why he’d follow me, I’m pretty boring.”

“Oh baby you’re far from boring,” he said grabbing her around the hips.

“Yeah right, help me with these bags,” she said playfully pushing him away.

“Sure, by the way you’ve got mail.”

She grabbed the letter off the counter, noting that it lacked a return address.

“That's weird.”

“What does it say?”

“See you Monday.”

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Comments  
troyarn Comment by: troyarn - 2008-06-20 02:36
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Great sequel, Jennifer. So, now we know that she does notice this guy.

Your dialogue in this one is very good...not forced and quite natural (dogs eating the food regardless of what brand is great...something we all deal with).

And one weird thing...you mentioned this was not a true story but you noticed a guy at Wal-Mart. When reading the story, I imagined it taking place in a Wal-Mart! Be careful, Jennifer...truth is stranger than fiction.

Very good work here and I truly enjoyed reading. Have a great weekend!
Arley Comment by: Arley - 2008-06-18 06:28
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Sorry about my statement in the first one about it not conforming to the rules. Duh, I didn't catch that you'd combined the titles. Very good work, Jennifer! Pop a space between each line of dialogue to make it easier on the reader.
Deepbluejc Comment by: Deepbluejc - 2008-06-17 20:56
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Not a true story, but I do see the same guy at Wal-Mart EVERY time I go, which gave me the idea... maybe I do have a Wal-Mart stalker. :o)
MitchellNoel Comment by: MitchellNoel - 2008-06-17 20:12
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Nice wrapping up. Although, I thought for a second THEY were going to turn out to be the freaks and start eating the dog food (which would have bee extra creepy.) (I also got the feeling from this story, that this is based on your real life. Get out of town!!)

Not thrilled with this: she said as she walked into the house. (a little too generic. think about a different approach?)

Agree with Heidi on "grabs".

Things I liked:

She bent to give him a kiss hello. (Let's us know he is sitting [or he's really short] and the dynamic between them i.e. he's making himself comfy while she's out shopping [or maybe he's doing work, but he's taking it easy in my head.])

Was your boyfriend there? (Such a common line for couples, we love to joke about it but we kinda hate it when it's true, don't we?)

Like the creepy ending.

Nice work Jen.

:)
heidiheimler Comment by: heidiheimler - 2008-06-17 18:43
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Busted! Very good story.
(One tiny suggestion: instead of "she grabs the letter..." how about "she grabbed the letter..."
A fun read!
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