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LittleMike
Mike Snowdon
United Kingdom, Cheshire, Cheddleton

Words: 1794
Access: Public
Comments: 2

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Oddlydale Adventures - Story One.

The creature stepped from the hidden darkness of the cave. A light breeze brushed gently against the short, dense fur covering the whole of its body. Standing on two sturdy legs as thick as the surrounding trees, it straightened up, stretching its long muscular arms and stocky fingers as it shook the remnants of a deep sleep from its body. In the midst of its stretch, the huge creature towered over the cave entrance.

With long, powerful yet stealthy strides, it moved quickly away from the the safety of the shelter and into a cluster of closely meshed trees. Indeed, so interwoven were they that barely any light was able to penetrate this part of the forest. The creature stayed there for a brief moment, then turned directly to its right and set off again. As it departed, a small tuft of the creature's matted brown fur snagged against a sharp branch and was left behind.

Despite the weight of its immense, burly frame, the creature left little trace of its steps as it journeyed through the dense forest. This was partly down to an instinctive understanding of a familiar environment that it would rarely - if ever - venture from; keeping to the driest ground, away from the forest's boggier terrain wherever possible. It was also in part due to the creature's most unique physical attributes: flat, wide feet which ensured that all of its considerable weight was distributed evenly with each step and left no footprints on the firmer ground.

The creature had trodden this path many times before, as via a series of twists and turns, it led to an area of the forest containing a vital food source; berries. Soon enough the creature was facing a panoramic landscape of red, blue and black dots, scattered against the green hues of the bushes and plants. The very sight caused the creature to twitch its fingers in anticipation of the feast, and their scent was a sensory pleasure as they filled the gaping nostrils of its wide, flat nose.

Suddenly those nostrils were twitching, sending warning signals to the creature's brain via an unfamiliar smell. All was not as it should be; there was danger close by. In an instant, the creature's whole posture had changed as it crouched down low almost on all fours and slowed to a cautious crawl. In the distance, something alien. An intruder - powerful, direct aromas stifling the familiar, comforting forest smells. A feeling of hotness entered the creature's nostrils, the unwelcome sensation causing it to crease its already wrinkled face into a leathery snarl. Fear kicked in as its eyes confirmed the creature's worst fears; there was smoke in the air.

Still crouching, the creature moved tentatively forward towards the source of the smoke and peered through thick, cloudy air, now relying more on its eyes because the smoky stench was creating a confusing tapestry of unfamiliar smells. This made the creature more agitated. Despite the stealth with which it approached, a great tension now filled its body, the physical manifestation of an unwanted anticipation of the trouble ahead. It took yet another step towards the source, but this was as close as it could get without giving up the cover of surrounding foliage. Ahead was an area devoid of trees; grass and plants had been trampled down by someone or something. The smoke was clearing now and the creature could see more clearly the source. A patterned metallic, cylindrical object with a small but intense looking flame coming from the centre of it. Directly on top of that, taking the heat from the flame was a second object, flattish and circular with a fairly long protrusion jutting from its side. Distracted by the sight of the flame, the creature almost failed to notice a much larger object. This one was dome-shaped, with a loose-fitting surface which rippled ever so slightly in the faint breeze. Taut threads of fabric were attached to the dome in several places, somehow fixed into the ground. In the centre of the dome was an even looser surface of different colour, and in a way that the creature didn't understand, it was reminded of the cave. There was no comfort in this though. Suddenly, a shuffling noise came from within the dome, and that looser surface area began to peel away inwardly; and then, a figure, on all fours, emerged from within...

****


Cedric Mandeville crawled out from his tent, hoping that the sausages and beans sizzling away in the frying pan on his camping stove were ready to eat. Even if they were not fully cooked, he still planned on eating them, as he was feeling particularly hungry after spending the day wandering in the forest, looking for unusual plants. He considered himself to be something of an amateur botanist, and he loved nothing more than to spend his weekend camping in woods and forests all over the British Isles. He had in fact stumbled upon Oddly Dale by accident, after reading his map upside down while planning an expedition, but was pleasantly surprised to discover that Oddly Forest covered a vast expanse of land; hence he had decided to pitch his tent as far into the centre of it as he could manage without it being shredded by thorny trees and foliage in the denser areas of woodland.

Cedric reached toward the frying pan, grabbed the handle and shook the pan's contents, smiling as he inhaled the delicious aroma. He pierced the fattest sausage and clear juice trickled from the puncture marks; a welcome sign that dinner was ready. The hungry botanist was content to use the pan as a plate, and ate the contents in a hurry, blowing swiftly on each fork load so as not to burn his mouth. He made short work of the meal, and he allowed himself a quiet chuckle as he estimated his dinner had roughly a tenth of the time to eat as it took to cook. Cedric decided he would treat himself to a larger stove for his next camping expedition. Upon finishing his meal, he suddenly had a feeling he was being watched. It wasn't the first time he'd had this feeling - being alone in the forest for so long resulted in his mind playing tricks every now and then. He reached into his pockets, searching for his spectacles but they were not to be found. Cedric had a habit of taking them off without realising he had done so, and this time he was sure he had left them in the tent. So, narrowing his eyes and focusing as best he could, he stared ahead into the trees, looking left, and then right, then left again, and....there! A pair of eyes, in amongst the thick foliage, staring back at him. Cedric's own eyes widened as he believed he was facing some kind of creature, and regardless of his blurry vision he could tell its face was much larger than a man's. Standing up in a hurry, he gave a yelp of surprise and stumbled over the stove, knocking it over in the process. In doing so he burnt his leg and gave another, louder yelp as he instinctively stamped out the flames.

****

Startled by the stranger's sudden movements, the creature stood upright, moving forwards so as not to hit its head on the sharp tree branches. It towered over the cowering figure, each of them expressing their fear in a starkly contrasting manner. Now the small figure's eyes, which had been narrow and squinting for the last few moments, were bulging with fright as it tried to scramble towards the dome shaped object. An overbearing smell of fear and uncertainty scrambled the creature's own thoughts, and this brought a great panic to the huge forest dweller. In a flash, it opened its massive jaws as wide as possible, revealing blunt yellow teeth set among slobbering, salivating gums.

****

From the beast came a scream, an eerie, ear splitting noise - unlike anything Cedric had heard before - forcing him to clamp his hands to his ears and close his eyes again. He closed his eyes as he curled up on the floor and brought his knees up tightly to his chest, holding them in place with trembling arms, abandoning his initial impulse to reach the false safety of the tent. Woken by the terrible noise, dozens of birds scattered upwards from the trees into the cloudy sky, a brief frenzy of feathers and squawks.

****

In this moment, the creature broke into a run. Its huge thudding footsteps punctuated the chaos as it crashed back into the dense undergrowth, practically ripping a hole in the very forest itself. In doing so it ploughed straight through the strange dome-shaped object, which crumpled with little resistance, as all thoughts of stealth and composure evaporated from its mind. With just a few strides it was gone from the scene of such confusion; moments later nothing could be heard but the rustle of the trees. Within another few strides the creature had regained its senses and was heading back, quietly now but still shaken from its brief encounter with the stranger, to the safety of the cave.

****

In that short space of time, on the floor of a forest hundreds of miles from home, Cedric had waited for his life to flash before his eyes. It had not done, and indeed he was still very much alive. His heart was racing but no harm had been done to him. Cedric dared open his eyes; first just one, then the other when he realised the beast was gone. He picked himself up and surveyed the scene: His tent was trampled beyond repair, as were his glasses inside it. There were several huge footprints embedded in the ground leading towards a great hole through the dense undergrowth in the direction that the beast had left the scene. Cedric was just about taking in the events of the last few minutes when from somewhere in the distance he heard the scream again; far away, deep in the forest, perhaps only in his mind, but unmistakeably the scream of the beast. This was all too much for the mild mannered amateur botanist to tolerate. Cedric lost control of his senses and fled, arms in front of his face to protect him from the bracken, not caring that he was leaving behind his belongs, only wanting to be as far away from the forest as he could possibly get.

The birds, one by one, began to settle back onto the gently swaying trees, and soon enough, Oddly Forest was again at peace.

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Comments  
ThePenguin Comment by: ThePenguin - 2008-06-19 13:07
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Kristen's comments are right on the nose. You do have the beginnings of a story here, but the way it appears here, it's hard to see the "forest through the trees" - the forest being the story, the trees being the words.

First, what's the point of the story? That Cedric meets a "Sassquatch"? or that "Sassquatch" meets a human being?

What is the climax? Why is it the climax? what are the FEELINGS of the characters at the climax, and how does the climax change the characters?

Start with this, and then fill in what leads to the climax and what happens after. Maybe then, it will be easier to see the whole story.

Think of how Roald Dahl or Spike Milligan would have tackled the story - their examples won't take you too far wrong for yourself and style.
LouiseKay Comment by: LouiseKay Online- 2008-06-19 08:29
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Okay, I will say that you're off to a decent start. As a first draft, this has promise.

Now, for the painful critique - there is far too much exposition here(IE:too much explanation and not enough action) I couldn't get myself to read past the first couple of paragraphs.

One of the most painful lessons for many an author is that you must cut, cut, cut out the extra words. And yes, there are a lot of 'extra' words here. Example:(first sentence, first paragraph) -
'...The creature stepped from the hidden darkness of the cave...' (We know caves tend to be dark and they tend to be hiding places for many a creature - it's not necessary to over explain what a cave is like.)
This sentence would work just as well as '..The creature(you could give some description of it here, such as that it is thickly furred and the length of its limbs)'...emerged from its cave...' (stepped works fine for some situations, but emerged sounds more interesting and descriptive - A Thesaurus is one of a writer’s best friends.)

‘…A light breeze brushed gently against the short, dense fur covering the whole of its body. Standing on two sturdy legs as thick as the surrounding trees, it straightened up, stretching its long muscular arms and stocky fingers as it shook the remnants of a deep sleep from its body. In the midst of its stretch, the huge creature towered over the cave entrance…’

All of this last part can be condensed. Here is how I might re-word the entire paragraph -

‘…A huge creature of short, dense fur and thick, tree-trunk proportioned limbs emerged from its cave. The beast rose up and stretched its long, muscular arms above its head as it shook off the last remnants of a deep sleep…’

Much shorter and to the point. And merely a suggestion of how you could pare down this first paragraph.

Good luck! You really are off to a good start. :)
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By LittleMike

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