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You've Got Mail
“Hey Honey!” Liz’s voice bounced energetically off the walls and into my unwelcoming ears.
“Hey.” I choked on the emotionless word in between sips of bourbon.
“Where are you?” Her footsteps hammered into the wood floor then clawed their way up my legs and into my mind, tightening the vice around my skull. More bourbon.
“There you are, how was…” Her jubilant face melted away leaving her queasy eyes staring into my jagged demeanor. “What’s wrong?”
Was that concern in her voice? Or worry? Did it matter?
“You’ve got mail.” I flung the open envelope onto the floor and watched it slide to a halt between us. The Polaroids inside slid out of the envelope and posted up at her feet. Liz shrunk into a nightmare; alone and exposed.
She looked up, eyes red, holding back an avalanche of poison tears. My pupils consumed my irises leaving coal black eyes projecting a void on her soul. I moved slowly.
“Vick, I… I just,” Her eyes closed, she bit her bottom lip and shook her head; pain bleeding down her cheeks.
The lighter snapped, the tobacco burned, and the bourbon chased. Left with silence eating us both alive.
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| i loved it! it had me wanting to read more and more |
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| This is a glimpse into a larger story, which is what I like with good micro-fiction. Unfortunately, the effect was spoilt by phrasing that drew attention to itself rather than the story ('footsteps...clawing up my legs', 'poison tears', 'pupils consumed my irises leaving coal black eyes projecting a void on her soul', 'pain bleeding down her cheeks'). |
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| I was there in the room with your MC and felt his mixed emotions when his wife/partner walked in. I'd like the story better if you didn't include the next to last line, even though the imagery is great-I would rather imagine her reaction than see it. |
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Comment by: crows - 2008-06-23 15:11
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| This is fabulous. There is so much suggested here - I could see the woman wearing strappy heels, makeup, things that exacerbate her persona as the unfaithful. And of course, you don't tell us what's in those photos. And I think you describe her reaction to being 'caught' perfectly, it strikes me as very realistic. The only thing for me is there are a couple places where I feel like it's a bit heavy with adjectives. Not every single thing needs a descriptor on it, and that struck me as cluttering the image slightly: "Her jubilant face melted away leaving her queasy eyes staring into my jagged demeanor." for instance; I'd nix 'queasy' and leave the other two. It's very powerful, though; the imagery is superbly realized. Thanks! |
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Comment by: crows - 2008-06-23 15:11
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| This is fabulous. There is so much suggested here - I could see the woman wearing strappy heels, makeup, things that exacerbate her persona as the unfaithful. And of course, you don't tell us what's in those photos. And I think you describe her reaction to being 'caught' perfectly, it strikes me as very realistic. The only thing for me is there are a couple places where I feel like it's a bit heavy with adjectives. Not every single thing needs a descriptor on it, and that struck me as cluttering the image slightly: "Her jubilant face melted away leaving her queasy eyes staring into my jagged demeanor." for instance; I'd nix 'queasy' and leave the other two. It's very powerful, though; the imagery is superbly realized. Thanks! |
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