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rupertdepaula
rupert de paula
United Kingdom, London

Words: 198
Access: Public
Comments: 5

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Wrong Turn - Challenge 38

Her eyes glint with adrenaline as dappled sunlight reflects off the bonnet through the dense canopy overhead. ‘What do you think, can we make it?’

‘I don’t know, it’s pretty old.’

A muddy, rutted track, congested with a battalion of stones and debris, unrolls itself before me. I notice a pine tree scarred by buck shots on my left hand side. Unable to hide my nerves, I stutter slightly: ‘It would probably be best to just turn back.’

‘You’re such a girl.’

‘Screw you. Running bridges in the middle of Rednecksville, Nowhere strikes me as a ten-point-ten on the Bad Ideas Richter Scale, is all. I give us five minutes before our first ass…’

The crackle of breaking branches echoing through the forest dries my throat, stopping the words dead. In the corners of my paranoid peripheral vision, the sinister shadows following us detach themselves from the murk.

‘I’m going for it,’ she screams, flooring the accelerator.

My gut lurches as wheels spin, struggling for traction in the dust, the ominous chasm and dilapidated bridge coming up on us fast.

‘I knew it was a bad idea to let you do the map reading.’

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Comments  
Lee Lacuna Comment by: Lee Lacuna - 2008-06-25 01:28
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You need to settle on which tense you want to use for the story: 'unrolled itself before me'.

‘I knew it was a bad idea to let you do the map reading.’ This should be a paragraph by itself.
vlclasby Comment by: vlclasby - 2008-06-21 12:45
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Loved the Bad Ideas Richter Scale. This idea deserves a 10.10, truly. Good spooky, tense vibe.

Only quick picky nits: Unable to hides my nerves - s/b hide
I don’t know it’s pretty old.’ - needs a comma after know
In the corners my paranoid peripheral vision - do you mean 'in the corners of my...?'
krademacher Comment by: krademacher Online- 2008-06-20 23:26
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Funny. Deliverance meets Family Vacation. I'd watch out about pine trees being scared though. Most get scarred by buckshot :-)
heidiheimler Comment by: heidiheimler - 2008-06-20 05:02
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I enjoyed this story. The last line: I knew it was a bad idea to let you do the map reading.’- priceless!
phillmag Comment by: phillmag Online- 2008-06-20 04:29
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nice read. ?enrolled-?unrolled. i like the broken quote and "{...dries my throat..."
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By rupertdepaula

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