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Forbearance
At the beginning of school the headmaster announced that Odin and Kaden would work in the school office with K’mali, the office secretary. Both of them were delighted. They thought these were the few best positions in school. However, other teachers often whispered into their ears, “Be careful.”, for K’mali was a brother of the headmaster’s wife.
K’mali was younger but acted senior to both of them. Often he would give them assignments but he seemed to have nothing to do. At first Odin felt a bit annoyed, but Kaden, who was three years older, tried to comfort him, “Odin, we must restrain ourselves. Better to mind our own business!”
K’mali was so rude almost everyone avoided him. When they had to speak to him of something important, they would make their point as briefly as possible and then get away. They were really afraid to be called names. From an ordinary teacher to the headmaster, nearly everyone pretended to smile to him but spoke ill of him behind his back.
In the first few weeks, all went well. They had a good relationship and did a good job, for which the headmaster praised them several times. The teachers wondered if Odin and Kaden had a magic way to get along with K’mali. However, all that changed one morning, when K’mali burst into a rage as he could not find the list of all the teachers. He shouted, struck the desk and turned over all the file cases. Then he pointed his finger at Oden’s eyes and then Kaden’s. Neither of them dared look up. Instead, they stood paralyzed.
When he paused, Odin pushed Kaden to apologize to him. But when Kaden started to apologize, this started K’mali’s fire again. He shouted even louder than before, his words rude.
“Damn you!”
“Watch your mouth,” Kaden tried to remind him.
“What? What did you say?” K’mali fumed. “Bugger you, you bastard!”
Kaden could not stand K’mali calling him a “bastard”, implying that his mother had been promiscuous. He raised his head, clenched his teeth and made his fists. His eyes fixed on K’mali, he strode forward. Before Odin realized it, Kaden had cast his hand up quickly and slapped. Five finger marks appeared on K’mali’s face; white then bright red.
Odin was startled, and so was K’mali, who stared at Kaden for a long while.
“If you lose your temper again,” Kaden pointed to K’mali. “I will give you a good lesson! I will never work in office with you again!”
With the words, he banged the door behind him.
That night Odin went to see Kaden. “Well done! But, you should not have left the office. You won’t really quit will you? It will be to your advantage to stay.”
Kaden couldn’t hold back his tears. He sobbed, “I can bear all but using bad language against my mum, for she had to bring me up after my dad’s death!”
Odin put an arm around his friend and said, “You are right. Some things are more important than getting ahead in school. There will be other opportunities.”
Blocks away, sitting bitter and friendless in his cluttered room, K ’mali cursed his own mother for bringing him into a world where she knew he would be alone.
The sky was clear that night. Stars twinkled brightly: a heavenly symbol there was justice in the universe, even if the people were blind to it.
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Comment by: DavidHe Online- 2008-06-29 16:45
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| Thanks very much, Alcarty, for the nice explanation. I will try to do better in writing with your help. Looking forward to having such good advice from you. Best wishes. |
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Comment by: alcarty - 2008-06-29 11:24
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David, this reads like a scene from a screenplay. You use simple words and a good mix of short and long sentences, which accentuate the drama.
'Bastard' means a child of unmarried parents, but it is usually used to describe a mean-spirited man. 'He's a mean bastard!' 'That bastard will cheat you!' It should be used sparingly. Very good work. |
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Comment by: DavidHe Online- 2008-06-29 00:37
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| Thanks very much, Misha2. I will make some changes as you have suggested. Best wishes. |
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Comment by: Misha2 - 2008-06-26 22:48
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Hi, David. If English is your second language, I think you write very well in it. :o)
As for the story itself, I think there are many loose ties that need to be tightened up , and I find it hard to believe that this type of behavour would be tolerated in any school environment. It seems as though K’mali had been employed at the school for quite a while, the teachers apparently knew what he was like, to the extent of warning Odin and Kaden to be careful. Had he never been taken to task for it?
What ages are Odin and Kaden? Is office work their full time positions?
I feel you need to explain the real reason that Kaden slapped K’mali. What bad language did he use against Kaden’s mother? And would Kaden not be fired and/or charged with assault?
***Often he would give them assignments but he seemed to have nothing to do. At first Odin felt a bit annoyed, *** Why was Odin annoyed? Was K’mali being lazy?
***K’mali was so rude almost everyone avoided him. When they had to speak to him of something important, they would make their point as briefly as possible and then get away. They were really afraid to be called names. From an ordinary teacher to the headmaster, nearly everyone pretended to smile to him but spoke ill of him behind his back.***Again, if K’mali was such a rotter to the whole school, why would he still be employed?
***When he paused, Odin pushed Kaden to apologize to him. This started his fire again. He shouted even louder than before, his words rude.*** If Odin wanted Kaden to apologize to K’lami, why would this send him into another frenzy?
***That night, (waiting until night fell,) Odin went to see Kaden. ***why did he need to wait until nightfall before going to see Kaden? Unless there's a specific reason he waited, I don't think this is necessary?
***Kaden couldn’t hold back his tears. He sobbed, *** I don’t think you need ‘He sobbed’ as the reader already knows this.
*** K ’mali cursed his own mother for bringing him into a world where he knew he would be alone. *** should this be - where ‘she’ knew?
As I said at the beginning, you write well, but in my humble opinion, I think you need to do a bit of a rewrite. And I’m not the greatest critter so please disregard all of above if you disagree. :o)
All the best. |
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Comment by: DavidHe Online- 2008-06-25 17:37
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| Crows, thanks very much. I didn't imagine all the commnet you gave me on my story! I will try to write better! Thanks again. Best wishes. |
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