Contestant ..1: Well, Bob, I enjoy reading Chaucer, Joyce and Faulkner when I'm not delegating responsibilities at the business I own and manage single handedly."

Schmo Bob: "Yes. Uh, interesting. I myself enjoy Chaucer, and you might consider looking at some of Lord Byron's work. What about you, Contestant ..2?"

Contestant ..2: "I don't have much time for reading. Maybe if I had to I would like it. But hopefully, like, it would be about cute little animals or world peace, but without all those ooober yucky big words, cause those things suck. Yeahhhhhh."

Schmo Bob: "Fantastic! Now, Contestant ..1, what do you hope to accomplish in life?"

Contestant ..1: "Well, Bob, I hope to play an influential role in the establishing of new businesses in rural communities through a civic organization I am a part of. I hope to renew the aura of small town living so that my children may grow up in a more culturally satisfying environment."

Schmo Bob: "Yes, this world is a disaster. Complete disaster. We need to be doing more to inspire the world to greatness. Contestant ..2, what is your take?"

Contestant ..2: "Oh my gosh, like, I really wish we could get another mall here? Because someday when I have my babies I want to be able to dress them well. I mean, like, Tommy Hillfiger baby and Abercrombie baby just has to be accessible to all of us, because like it's only fair."

Schmo Bob: "I like it! Contestant ..1, what do you think the most important moral guidelines are to live an enriched life?"

Contestant ..1: "I believe it's important that people pursue an education throughout their entire lives, and continually pursue knowledge of the world around them and use that to better the world in their own way. I believe that life is about growing experiences and living to your fullest potential."

Schmo Bob: "I agree! We should all be seekers of knowledge. Contestant ..2?"

Contestant ..2: "Like, I think people should get married because like that's what's important, and people should like live in nice houses with nice furniture and stuff, because like who wants to look like white trash? I think we should be setting up charities so white trash people can like dress better."

Schmo Bob: "Now there's an idea! You're really thinking now, Contestant ..2! Now, Contestant ..1, spell 'quixotic'."

Contestant ..1: "Q-U-I-X-O-T-I-C"

Schmo Bob: "Excellent! Now Contestant ..2, please spell 'Cucumber'"

Contestant ..2: "C-E-W-C-O-M-B-E-R! Yah me!"


Schmo Bob: "Contestant ..1, what kind of music do you like to listen to?"

Contestant ..1: "I have an unquenchable thirst for new sound. I enjoy a long list including the likes of Rush, U.N.K.L.E., Nick Cave, The Black Keys and so many more."

Contestant ..2: "Oh my God, I'm like so excited about Beyonce's new album. Oh, and I love, love, love Toby Keith and Kenny Chesney and oooh, the Black Eyed Peas."

Schmo Bob: "Great! Now, Contestant ..1, what is your idea of a romantic date?"

Contestant ..1: "Romantic date? Gosh, the last time I was on a date, the guy took me to some truck stop hotel with a 25 cent for 15 minute vibrating bed and expected me to sleep with him. I always dreamed of a date being romantic."

Schmo Bob: "Well, that bed sounds like fun! Contestant ..2?"

Contestant ..2: "Oh my God! Have you ever seen 'Never Been Kissed'? I loved that movie! I like to give blow jobs. My boob are a 32DD and like, I have cute little perky nipples and like OMG I have such a deep throat!"

Schmo Bob: "Well, I think I've heard enough!"

****Short Intermission for Commercial Break*****

Announcer: "Welcome back to the Mating Game! Schmo Bob has decided that his perfect match is.... (drumroll while opening the envelope) Contestant ..2! Congratulations Contestant ..2, you are guaranteed at least one night of not-so-great sex with Schmo Bob!! And congratulations, Schmo Bob, you are guaranteed a blow job by a brainless bimbo!"

*Contestant ..2 and Schmo Bob embrace before sloppily making out on stage, Schmo Bob running his hand down the back of Contestant ..2's hot pink track pants to grope her butt, while Contestant ..2 giggles ridiculously and reaches for the Binaca.

Announcer: "Well, Contestant ..1, it looks like you'll be going home to a bottle of wine and another night in the big bed alone! It looks like you're just too intelligent to be a contestant on the Mating Game. What were YOU thinking? Good night Contestant ..1 and good luck Schmo Bob and Contestant ..2!"

*Contestant ..1 walks from the stage with head hung in shame.... again.

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