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Belle Astell
Belle Astell
United States

Words: 260
Access: Public
Comments: 4

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We Are Not Alone

I was in the hospital after the birth of my first child. In the wee hours, just before sunrise, I opened my eyes just a little and saw about five inches of an almost glowing white dress. Assuming it was a nurses uniform, I laid there waiting on her to attend to me with either taking my temperature, blood pressure, blood; something. (It was back in the day when your chart was on a clipboard at the foot of your bed or on the wall at the foot of your bed.)

A couple of minutes past and I started to wonder what was taking her so long to jet to me, but brushed it off as she was checking my chart or straightening my bedside table, may making sure there was water in my little picture, but I heard nothing. After about what seemed like to-15 minutes, I opened my eyes and no one was there. A few minutes later, in comes the nurse. She has on white pants (nowhere near the white I saw earlier) and a colorful scrub top. She wanted to take my temp and blood pressure.

“Oh, I saw someone in a white dress in here earlier.”

It’d just me and her. You’ll have a different nurse tomorrow night, I have the night off. Her name is Sheryl, she’s nice, everyone likes her. I’ll see you the following night if you’re still here. Have a good day, you have a beautiful baby.

Thank you, enjoy your day off.

Then she left.

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Comments  
DavidHe Comment by: DavidHe Online- 2008-06-30 19:04
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A very good piece! I like it very much. However,I am not clear about this sentence: "It’d just me and her. " And I would like you to comment on my works. I am ready to learn from you. Best wishes.
scottjensen Comment by: scottjensen - 2008-06-27 21:43
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Who was wearing the white dress?
Deepbluejc Comment by: Deepbluejc Online- 2008-06-27 09:05
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Unfortunately I have to agree with Koinonia. At first I thought it was an angel by her bed, but then when the nurse talked it got confusing. Did you mean - "It's just me and you"?
This is a good start you just need some fine tunning; for example, watch the typos and make sure to spell out works like temperature unless you're using it in dialogue. Also leave out the parenthesis if you want us to know something show us in the story.
I hope my suggestions help as I said before you have a good start here, keep at it.
Koinonia Comment by: Koinonia - 2008-06-27 07:53
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Well I have to say I don't understand this. What was the white dress? Where did it go? Perhaps you could explain it a little better.
There are also quite a few mistakes and missing quotation marks.
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By Belle Astell

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