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Gathering rain ( warning its my first flash fiction)
Laying on the wet steps of her backyard, she watched the dark clouds pass by overhead, getting blacker by the second. She turned her head and gasped as a sharp pain pierced her heart again.She breathed slowly in and out. He stood over her weak body .She struggled with her last breath as she replied in a soft whisper" I like to watch the puddles gather rain." As she turned her head & watched a warm dark crimson liquid slowly poured out her wounds and gathered into the puddle next to her.
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Very beautiful imagery, I give you mega props for that. I do have a question and a small criticism though.
Question: Are we supposed to know what she is replying to? It works either way, I'm wondering more because of one of your comments than anything else. Criticism: For such a short piece you use the word she within the first two words of the sentence four times. It's not a very big thing, however it is a bit repetitive. I feel that the piece would gain a bit more depth if you varied it a bit more. |
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| Beautiful...makes me want to know more about her story. |
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Apparently, Koinonia is not a very bright reviewer...
Nothing really constructive in her post.
Anyway, this was a nice story. I like the imagery. |
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| hmm interesting. i like the last line. unlike your other reviwer, i do not think the man standing over her was the one who gave her the wounds...but i could be wrong. maybe you could clarify something there? or perhaps you like it obscure like that, so we can identify who the characters are ourselves. well, nice shot at flash fiction. :) happy writing. |
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Well this is a good start. I like the image of the blood mixing in with rainwater. However it does seem to need a bit of work.
I'm assuming the man standing over her is the one that gave her the wounds. If this is true, why would he ask her what she's doing? She's clearly lying there. dying because of what he's done. If he hates her enough to hurt her that much would he really give a flying monkey what she's doing? That bit just doesn't sit right.
The description of the clouds has a repetition of the word 'dark'. You could replace it with 'getting blacker by the second' or something like that.
'He asked her what she was doing[,] she replied'
There's a full stop after 'gather rain' so the 'as' after it needs to be capitalised.
'as a warm dark liquid poured out her wounds' I think it would sound better as 'poured out of her wounds' or perhaps just 'from her wounds'.
But it's your writing so feel free to completely ignore all of that! It's an interesting piece. |
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