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Cardiac Bastille
Cain sat in the dark bedroom, chaotic thoughts swirling through his miserable mind. Lucy had done it again. Asked questions he couldn't answer. She was always trying to figure out how he ticked. How could he explain to her what he barely understood himself?
“Cain, honey, can we talk?” Lucy hovered in frustration outside the closed door.
He flinched. All she did was talk. It was driving him insane.
“Sweetheart?” She called again.
Damn, she was crying again. He could hear the soft shudders of her sobbing. He didn’t mean to make her cry. He just couldn’t talk about certain things.
He stood up and took the two steps needed to reach the door. His hand was within a hair’s breadth of the knob.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered hoarsely. “I can’t do this.” He hung his head in shame and wondered how something so wonderful could have gone so wrong.
“Fine, hide within your Fortress of Solitude, then.’ Lucy huffed as she stalked away, tears dripping with each step.
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Comment by: safi - 2008-07-18 13:30
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I liked this. You may want to tone down that first sentence:
"Cain sat in the dark bedroom, chaotic thoughts swirling through his miserable mind."
I like the sense of place given, but am not so hot on the drama-ness of this setting. |
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Great title, Kirsten. I liked the pent up, mute emotion in this. Some passive verbs worked (putting the reader in the MCs passive aggressive mind). However, I keep wanting to correct this:
"It was driving him insane." [how about "It drove him insane" ?]
at any rate, nice take on the theme. |
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| The title is appropriate. I think this would make a better opener for something lengthier. I just get drawn and it's cut. The writing is good. I just feel cheated somehow. |
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well written, but i can't help but feel it's a little melodramatic.
'Lucy huffed as she stalked away, tears dripping with each step.'
the 'tears dripping with each step' part is just a little overcooked, for examlpe.
great name, though! |
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hmmm I can't put my finger on it, but I wasn't drawn in by this one. Maybe it was all a bit vague for me?
e.g.
--How could he explain to her what he barely understood himself?
--He just couldn’t talk about certain things.
I do appreciate what you have done though, fleshing out those awkward moments in relationships. And I guess the fact that I feel distanced means I too feel the fortress...hmmm...interesting.
:) |
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