Fortress-Wee Challenge#39
Scalding water stung his pale skin and erased the stench of cigarettes, beer and whatever-her-name-was. Brad didn’t know what day or time it was, didn’t even know what town it was. The tour was going great. They were packing them in, filling the house every night. He couldn’t believe how much better looking the groupies got when you were headlining.
As the water droned, a song, or rather a hymn, invaded his head...
‘A mighty fortress is our God...’
He hadn’t heard that song since his mother's funeral.
Visions of Emma flashed before his bleary eyes, pregnant and crying when he left for the road, for the promise of a better life for their family. He leaned out of the shower and wretched into the toilet bowl.
Brad turned off the water, unable to turn off the hymn playing in his head. He wrapped a towel around his waist, and left the bathroom. Whatever-her-name-was lay naked across the bed.
‘And though this world, with devils filled, should threaten to undo us…’
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Yup, Emma picked a winner all right. Another solid scene, Vickie. There are some thing that might be a touch tighter though (don't get me wrong, this is minor):
"They were packing them in, filling the house every night." [In most places where you've used passive verbs, you managed to weave them in very well. This one, for some reason, sticks out to me. Perhaps this sentence could be trimmed to "They packed the house every night" or something like that.]
"Visions of Emma flashed before his bleary eyes, pregnant and crying when he left for the road, for the promise of a better life for their family." [this feels a bit run-on to me. Maybe its the two "fors"]
"‘And though this world, with devils filled, should threaten to undo us…’" [Nice.] |
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whoa...that's a belter, right and proper.
this brad fella looks like a jerk on the surface...but you can't really blame him for indulging in carnal pleasures. that's what musicians do.
until you hit his self indulgent remembrance of emma, and you know he really is a jerk
thought the parallels with the hymn/ decent into sin work perfectly (very interesting).
and the groupie does seem strangely characterised for a single, hyphenated name. |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-07-04 05:51
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| Very good, Vickie! Great job showing the shallowness and self-destructive behavior of a musician who has started believing his own press and feels above it all. Didn't think Brad would give in so quickly, heh heh. |
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Comment by: alcarty - 2008-07-03 13:07
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| If Emma is lucky, Brad will forget where he lives. With 175 words you did a great job of portraying a jerk. Very good read. |
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| Glad to see Brad back, good visualization, great story. |
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