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MitchellNoel
Mitch Kelly
China, Guangdong, Guangzhou

Words: 170
Access: Public
Comments: 11

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The Fortress

Hunched in the bastion of the south wing, I watched clouds gather their troops. Thunder grumbled and grinded.

My vulnerability thrived at the cackling of lightning. With every storm came the possibility of invasion. Pounding in the sky, in my chest. I prayed my defences would hold.

Invisible archers were always in position. The drawbridge: permanently raised and fastened—leaving me alone with ghosts.

The battle ended years ago. Blood shed, lessons learned. This time, I would not retreat. I banished the memories, which so often thwarted my efforts to stand my ground.

A wave of valiance came over me. I needed to look my enemy in the eye. I climbed the stairs to the tower. The sky laughed at me and crushed my courage. My eyes sought comfort in the water surrounding my keep.

My body soaked in fresh air, the smell and touch of rain. I wondered where my foe lay.

As raindrops and tears merged, I removed my wedding ring, letting it fall to the half-full moat.

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Comments  
alien Comment by: alien - 2008-07-23 02:41
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I was crying by the end of this. This really appeals to me. I can really see why you won. I can't imagine anything being better than this :)
krademacher Comment by: krademacher Online- 2008-07-13 21:22
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Man, Mitch. You are a master of subtle layering. Three reads - and each brought out nuances I missed on previous go-rounds.

But alas there are some minor bits which might need adjustment:

"Thunder grumbled and grinded." [I think I follow what you're doing with the alliteration here, but "grinded" still sticks out to me. I keep wanting to put "ground" in there.]

"Invisible archers were always in position." [the passive verb is a loadstone on this visual. This may be a place where a sentence fragment might work: "Invisible archers always positioned" or something like that.]


"A wave of valiance came over me." [the underlying visual induced by "came over" is one of innudation, not bolstering-which is what I think you intend. Some synonym of "to raise up" should replace "came over."]


"As raindrops and tears merged, I removed my wedding ring, letting it fall to the half-full moat." [wow. just wow]
rupertdepaula Comment by: rupertdepaula - 2008-07-09 03:56
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there's something of the danish prince in your tortured m.c wandering the battlement of a desolately gothic castle musing on lost love and madness... a touch of mervyn peake in there too with all the grumbling, grinding and cackling of nature mirroring/mocking the m.c's thoughts and paranoias.

which are two pretty good comparisons (if i do say myself) and should go to show how impressed i was by this.

your writing keeps getting better and better, mitch
vlclasby Comment by: vlclasby - 2008-07-08 10:05
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Very powerful wee story, Mitch. Had me on edge, feeling the tension. Love 'cackling' - evoked taunting, ridicule, bad vibes.
Awesome ending - overcoming fear, and letting go. Letting go is ALWAYS good.
I liked the progression from vulnerability to valiance, the resolve. Wish I had some of that!
Deepbluejc Comment by: Deepbluejc - 2008-07-03 07:36
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Wow, great stuff, very moving
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