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Excess Baggage
Matt worked in the same office with Millie for nearly a year. He was in claims and she was an accountant. ‘Hell,’ he thought, ‘no guts, no glory.’ So he asked her out to dinner. She went home to change and met him at the restaurant.
They ate and talked easily and it was a pleasant evening. The following week she asked him to come to her house for dinner.
Matt found the number on the curb. In the yard were two small bicycles and a wagon. ‘Uh oh,’ he thought, ringing the bell.
“Come in, Matt.”
The house was neat and smelled of roast-beef and gravy. “Where are the kids?” he asked.
Millie smiled demurely. “The toys out front are props. They scare wolves away faster than guard dogs. Listen, Matt, we went to dinner; that was Phase One. You actually made it to my front door and rang the bell, after seeing the toys; that was Phase Two. Now, let’s have a glass of wine and start Phase Three. You pour.”
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Comment by: alcarty Online- 2008-07-16 12:19
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| Thanks for your nosiness, Wanda. Appreciate your taking the time. |
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Comment by: WLC - 2008-07-16 11:16
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Sticking my nose it---:P
I think "He was in claims.." sounds very natural--how people refer to other's work positions.
Maybe: "He was in claims and she was in accounting." (?)
Pulling my nose out now! :D |
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Comment by: alcarty Online- 2008-07-16 10:49
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| Karl, those suggestions sound reasonable. Let me run them through my gray matter. Thanks for the remarks. |
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Yeah baby. No guts, no glory indeed. This piece was stellar. I have friends who'd look at the toys and think "hmm, proof she does the dance."
About the only thing I'd change would be the passive verbs. A few subtle changes would tighten things bit, while also buying some extra word count to play with. Examples:
"Matt had been working" [consider making this "Matt worked"]
"He was in claims" [try "processed" instead of "was in"]
...and so on.
In all, well done. |
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Comment by: alcarty Online- 2008-07-08 07:48
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| I appreciate your comments, Mitchell. |
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