 |
 |
 |
| |
Child of The Machine
Child of The Machine
Waiting, longing in your darkness...
Child of The Machine
For the strikepins sweet caress...
Child of The Machine
Weapons ready? Make a mess!
Child of The Machine
With a blaze of glory we light up the night!
Child of The Machine
When the fire dies down, there are none left to fight...
Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
 |
Comment by: champagne Online- 2008-07-08 09:31
|
|
| Excellent! I like the way you repeat after looking at the image. I'm glad you took Cheryl's idea and ran with it too, it's much better with a rhyme, juxtaposes the childlike side of singsong nursery style with the image of babies as killing devices. Well done. |
|
|
| yes, i can see where you are going with that, maybe i should think it through a little more |
 |
Comment by: alien - 2008-07-08 05:31
|
|
I am such a huge giger fan it was exciting for me when I saw that the link pointed to a giger and I knew which image it was going to be even before I pasted into the browser.
So in that respect, I think your poem was successful. The repetition, yes, is a little heavy - and usually I would advise against this weight of repetition but given the nature of the picture with the repetition in the 'babies' there, I think that's what identified the picture in my mind.
It is a truly militant poem and completely not what I would have come up with if given this image to play with. However, it is a valid interpretation, given the fact that the gun features so strongly in giger's image. I think you did a good job here and I was very pleased to have seen one of my all time favourite images being ekphrasiised (I just made up that word, sorry).
I think what would make this stronger is if you used a rhyme scheme for the non-'child of the machine' lines. Maybe make those alternate lines rhyme in couplets or as an ababab pattern to give it more structure? Just a thought. I was expecting and wanting to hear rhymes as I read it. |
|
|
http://www.popartuk.com/g/l/lg3004+birthmachine-hr-giger-poster.jpg
sorry about that |
|
Comment by: champagne Online- 2008-07-07 15:14
|
|
The image url in the contest thread doesn't work, could you post it here, on the poem page, so that we can paste it into our browser addy bar?
Your poetry is a bit militant, but that may be taken differently in context of the image. I do think it's weakened by the too frequent repetitions of the entire phrase on every other line.
I'll be back when you've got a pic to go with the poem, so don't think I don't like your piece, I haven't seen it all yet... |
| 1 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
