Excess Baggage (wee #39)
Mark sat in the overstuffed chair and studied her body. Her raven hair cascaded midway down her back, with the starch white sheet laying just above her perfectly rounded behind. Her mascara had collected heavily under her eyes from a night of perspiration and lust. The awkwardness of her left arm bent just slightly blocking her exposed breast. A work of art he thought.
A knock at the door roused him from his vigilant stare.
"Have fun last night?" asked the bald man nodding at the girl as he entered.
"As usual, Frank," he said with a smile.
"The car is downstairs and here is the cell," Frank said handing Mark a bag.
Mark headed to the door twirling the keys around his finger.
"You can't just leave her here, she's excess baggage. Nobody can know you were here."
"I took care of it, Frank. Now do your job and let the appropriate people know where to find her."
"You mean she was the hit?"
"No, she was just a bonus."
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wow, creepy and erotic. What an unsettling mix. But then, the MC is a a murderer, right?
I think these lines can be reworded to avoid using speech tags:
"Have fun last night?" asked the bald man nodding at the girl as he entered.
"As usual, Frank," he said with a smile.
"The car is downstairs and here is the cell," Frank said handing Mark a bag.
Take the first one, for instance:
The bald man nodded at the girl as he entered. "Have fun last night?"
Speech tags should be avoided unless the need to point out who is speaking is an absolute requirement. Otherwise, stick with action tags. They read more cleanly.
All that said, however, this was a great flash. You should be happy with the apparent impact it had on your readers. |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-07-11 11:50
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| Heavy piece of writing here, Jennifer, and you did a great job with the dialogue! |
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| Goodness me. Wicked little story. Showing your dark side, huh? Cold, cruel, and lots of fun. Loved it! |
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Comment by: Juan2 - 2008-07-10 12:57
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erotic to start, cold and calculated by the finish. I like how it seemed cut into two parts - description followed by dialogue, with a disturbing knock coming between the two.
"...twirling the keys around (is) finger." should be 'his'
Other'n that, a fine short short. Well done.
happy writings. |
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Comment by: WLC Online- 2008-07-10 09:00
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I got a twinge of "Pulp Fiction" feel off this one.
It came off a little seedy, but a litte erotic too. (i.e., good stuff!)
I'm wondering if the last 3 sentences in your opening para. should be connected?
(um, I know aroused means to stir into action AND also to stimulate sexually--while "rouse" means to stir or incite only) Wasn't sure if you were intentially using "aroused" or if it was an oversite? Kind of reads like the door had some sexy power. That never happens at my house! haha
Anyway ??? |
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