Fortress (wee challenge 39)
"No, I will not move in with you. I can't believe you had the nerve to ask," Kathleen said with a cold smirk.
"Why wouldn't I ask? I love you."
"Honestly honey, women like me don't live with boys like you. This "thing" between us was never serious. On your income you can't afford serious."
Kevin shook his head, "I don't understand."
"Oh, you silly thing, you were just something to pass the time, like a card game. Why would I want to live with a pathetic excuse like you?"
"So why go out with me at all?"
"Because you were good in the sack," she said laughing, "By the way, good doesn't mean great, Kevin. You might want to work on that."
Kathleen gathered her purse and coat, keeping her head down so she wouldn't see Kevin's desperate face. She exited his apartment feeling triumphant. No man would ever hurt her again.
She was a single woman and her fortress was strong.
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Damn, that was cold. Poor Kevin will be wounded forever :-)
Again, the speech tag stuff I mentioned on your other flash:
"No, I will not move in with you. I can't believe you had the nerve to ask," Kathleen said with a cold smirk.
could be:
A cold smirk lit Kathleen's face. "No, I will not move in with you. I can't believe you had the nerve to ask."
"On your income you can't afford serious." [talk about brutal... wow. Needs a comma after "income," however.] |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-07-11 11:54
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Very good, Jennifer! You could strengthen this by losing some of the tags, e.g.
Katherine directed a cold smirk at Kevin. "No, I will not move in with you . . ." |
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Yikes! Another wicked story, but in a different way. Meaner, more personal. Kathleen's carrying out a 'scorched Earth' policy.
I see some nit picky punctuation problems, but nothing else I would change.
This "thing" between us was never serious(,) on your income you can't afford serious." Instead of a comma, start a new sentence 'On your income, you can't afford serious.'
"By the way, good doesn't mean great, Kevin, you might want to work on that."
Same thing - Start a new sentence with 'You might ...'
She exited his apartment feeling triumphant, no man would ever hurt her again.
Again, start a new sentence with 'No man...' Grammatically better, but also more powerful.
I didn't find her very sympathetic because there's no excuse for such behavior, but it did make me curious about what happened to her, how she got this way. Poor Kevin! |
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Comment by: Juan2 - 2008-07-10 13:04
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Dang, she's harsh. Wonder who broke her heart way back when and how it happened... another story perhaps? :)
small suggestion would be to nip 'Kevin pleaded.' The dialogue is strong enough to stand on its own without the description.
Also the dialogue tag of "...he said shaking his head." could be eliminated (since we already know he said it) by something like -
Kevin shook his head. "I don't understand."
- might help it become a little crisper.
good story though, made me feel for both of 'em, so solid character develpment there.
happy writings. |
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Comment by: WLC Online- 2008-07-10 08:43
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"By the way, good doesn't mean great, Kevin, you might want to work on that." OUCH AND A HALF!
I might remove "directed toward Kevin" in your opening sentence. There only two characters involved so the reader doesn't particularly need that direction. (my personal opinion only)
Also might remove ("As") she exited his apartment feeling triumphant, no man would ever hurt her again. As is sooo passive. And this chick is sooo not!
She may be queen of her "single" fortress, but she's a BITCH! He's better off without her, since she's determined to do the hurting before it can be done to her again.
I enjoyed this little bitchy mean-fest! |
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