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Juan2
John Lander
United States, California

Words: 175
Access: Public
Comments: 7

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For Tress

I heard her crying and when I looked over it was like seeing one of those dolls Mother had, the unsmiling kind that look like little girls after a bad day in church. She kept mentioning Dave, Dave, Dave to her friend, but her friend didn’t do much, so I followed my doll home, and waited.

She left her apartment with a backpack.

The door was easy to unlock, though it squeaked. I scanned yearbooks, old, folded letters, and photos. Her name was Tress Stephens. She loved David, but he made her miserable. David Paul Alderidge: Best Dressed Senior – 2007.

"What the fuck, old man?" were the only words I heard. The rest were drowned into weak screams like scraping rope. The ring on his finger matched the one from the pictures, so I cut it off.

I waited again until she left. I put oil in the door and placed the ring atop her dresser with a new picture of David, and I noticed how much _he_ resembled Mother's dolls now: pale, lifeless, unsmiling.

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Comments  
krademacher Comment by: krademacher Online- 2008-07-19 15:27
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wow, you're MC is one sick puppy, isn't he?

main crit: watch the passive verbs. "Was" Were" and "had" dull what is otherwise edgy writing. For example:

"The door was easy to unlock, though it squeaked."

could be:

"The door squeaked open after I picked the lock."

consider going through and replacing the unnecessary passive verbs with more active choices.
Obscaena Comment by: Obscaena Online- 2008-07-19 01:59
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I agree with the critiques of ErikaRae. But it was really creepy and well written! I loved it!
Deepbluejc Comment by: Deepbluejc - 2008-07-11 07:16
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Creepy and excellent but mostly creepy, I don't want that guy following me home.
phillmag Comment by: phillmag Online- 2008-07-10 19:56
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sneaky creepy. good work.
ErikaRae Comment by: ErikaRae - 2008-07-10 18:07
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This is great - makes me want to write psych thrillers.

I waited again until she left. - This line confuses me. I thought she left her house with a backpack? Does she come home again? If so, is the murder hidden from her at first, and how? Is the photo the giveaway?
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By Juan2

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