Fair (wee #40)
She made her way to the middle section of the bleachers. Closing her eyes, she inhaled deeply, taking to memory the smell of nachos and turf in September.
A north wind swept through the stadium making her shiver. This time of year was her favorite and she was going to miss the Friday night lights, cheers from the crowd and the noisy state fair that carried on behind the football field.
Ferris Wheels and Hammer Rides popped up from behind the visitor stands, muffled music could be heard, along with the screams of happy children. She looked down at her boy standing on the 20 yard line. Tears cascaded over her cheeks as she waved to the son she would never see again.
She knew it wasn’t fair, but she didn't belong here, she had to leave. She turned praying, one day he would be able to forgive her.
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Yeah…coolio. Nice switch from a nostalgic flow to sadness and regret.
Most nits pointed, but…
“She knew it wasn’t fair, but she didn't belong here, she had to leave. She turned praying, one day he would be able to forgive her.”
- This sentence has a lot of “she’s” in it…kinda clunky, but minor. |
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Comment by: Nora Online- 2008-07-17 10:25
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Ooh, now I must know more. Great scene.
I have only the most minor of suggestions.
Ferris Wheels and Hammer Rides popped up from behind the visitor stands, muffled music could be heard, along with the screams of happy children.
I see a passive verb construction in there that slowed my roll. Can I suggest this:
Ferris Wheels and Hammer Rides popped up from behind the visitor stands(;) muffled music (swelled, piped, murmured, sounded--pick an active verb, any active verb), along with the screams of happy children.
I also stuck a semi-colon in there, just because my inner editor demanded I do so. I don't think it's necessary, but I had to obey my inner editor. You don't, though. It's your call! |
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| Great scene - smells, images, north wind. Pulled me in, evoked those fall football memories, then BAM! Left me wondering what could make her leave. Powerful story. |
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| Wonderful read, and good description. |
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Deep regrets of past transgressions, hopefully they can find a way back to one another.
Good imagary.
Not easy to write a story in exactly 150 words at the best of times. |
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