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Fair Game - wee challenge #40
He felt lancing pressure, the press of cold metal against his skin. “Why are you doing this?” He grimaced, but wasn't sure if it was because of the building pain in his head or the weak nauseating sound of his voice.
The man snorted, pulled back for a moment before reconnecting the weapon with enough force to make his vision blur; the sore point on his head pulsated angrily.
“I…I didn’t…I never wanted this.”
“Really?”
“No. I never wanted it to go this far.”
“This is all your doing.”
“Fuck…I …I don’t deserve to die.”
“Right. But I do?”
The man had a point, it sent a chill down his spine. If he could, if the roles were reversed, the man standing over him would already be dead.
“No…”
He heard the man snicker. “Your game, your rules.” He responded. “I played along, fair and square. I win, you lose.”
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hmmm....for me, the story didn't do much.
It was a bit vague and didn't go anywhere.
Too many sentences starting with "he" and "the man".
I like the idea of there being "a game" but I was left wanting more. More detail, more understanding of who the people are and their emotions (aside from pain).
Keep at it. |
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Comment by: chocca2 - 2008-07-17 14:06
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| Thanks so much for all the input and feedback, guys. Always greatly appreciated! |
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Comment by: WLC Online- 2008-07-17 07:44
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You know--this is the scene in the movie where I close my eyes--yeah, I know, I'm a whimp.
That second para. is off just a hair. Maybe: He grimmiced, but wasn't sure if it was because of the building pain in his head or the weak nauseating sound of his voice. (same word count-same meaning I think)
Maybe a punctation switch in para. 3 :
The man snorted, pulled back for a moment before reconnecting the weapon with enough force to make his vision blur; the sore point on his head pulsated. (Might lose "angerily" at the end of the sentence--not a fan of ending a sentence with an "ly" word.) (?)
But then that messes with your word count--oops.
Cringe worthy story for sure. |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-07-17 07:11
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| I enjoyed this, Natalie, you captured a heavy scene, but had a problem understanding who was speaking at first and that should be clear from the start instead of the reader having to figure it out later. Also agree with Heidi's suggestion on swapping STOOD for STANDING. |
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Very chilling - good story!
One tiny suggestion: the man stood over him... consider: standing |
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