Flaw Show (revised)
As with 'A Date with Damian' last week, this is another older piece that I've tweaked and abridged considerably to aim for the women's magazine market.
Once again, I'll brave your thoughts...
When neon pink posters announcing “Ballroom for beginners – coming soon!” started to adorn the community centre, I didn’t hesitate to exhume my leggings.
I have a Strictly Come Dancing fixation. Since I was a little girl I’ve adored watching dancers; the energy and grace of choreography captivate me. The manoeuvres and lifts those professionals perform so effortlessly are magic to me.
I’m a sucker for films like Dirty Dancing and Flashdance too. Stories of girls becoming expert movers during the course of an 80s power ballad are irresistible fun. (Don’t worry, by the way, this isn’t one – I won’t be leaping into the splits or one of those gravity-defying lifts by the final paragraph.)
So I signed up for the class, and tried to forget the last time I’d danced in the community centre. It was at my cousin’s twenty-first birthday bash. I was only seventeen, soused on two Babychams and burning to impress Justin Armstrong with my killer disco moves. Until the Grease Megamix came to grief, I toppled in my new stilettos and landed on my bum at his feet.
Justin, at twenty-one, was A Man. He had wavy hair like a Calvin Klein model and eyes the colour of Terry’s All Gold, and was idolised by numerous girls. He appeared shy, though, and wasn’t known to take advantage of any desperate devotees.
He certainly didn’t act upon my efforts. His stifled smirk as I heaved myself off the floor made my innards shrivel.
I winced a little when venturing on to that bum-bruising floor seven years later. However, I was sober this time, wearing better shoes and raring to go with my new hobby.
Being first lesson for all of us, there was a lovely enthusiasm within the group. We numbered a good fifty, from teens to tea dancers, attending alone and in couples, many saying they were inspired by the TV show.
“You on your lonesome too,” asked a warm male voice beside me, “want to pair up?”
Mmm – tall, ruffled black hair, jolly eyes, lovely smile. This was a good start.
“Sure. I’m afraid my friends are hopeless. They’re washing their hair tonight, or washing the cat, or they’ve got dodgy ankles. I’m Vanessa, by the way.”
“I’m Conrad. Couldn’t talk my partner into this either.”
Partner! Oh shame.
“No?”
“He can’t even bear being in the room when Strictly Come Dancing is on. Me, I can’t get enough of it.”
He? Oh, how to dash a girl’s hopes in seconds!
Con and I danced well together, as it happened, and as our rumbas blossomed from week to week we bonded. I stood no chance with him romantically, of course, but we became firm friends. He talked with love about his partner Jay; their plans for a civil partnership.
Not that nattering distracted our focus. We relished our lessons. “You have a natural sense of rhythm,” Con once complimented me.
Then one week, we found ourselves united further by a staggering coincidence.
“I’ve only got another three more classes,” Con forewarned me courteously, “then I’m off to America for a fortnight. Going to a wedding actually.”
“Hey, and me. Whereabouts is yours?”
“Philadelphia.”
“No way! Your bride and groom aren’t Ashley and Lauryn, by any chance?”
Even as I sniggered at the absurdity of my question, Con gasped. “How did you know?”
We gawped at each other like goldfish, before simultaneously breaking into a dazed giggle.
“Ash is my cousin,” I spluttered. “How do you know him?”
“I don’t really – never met him in fact – it’s Jay. They were at school together and kept in touch until Ash emigrated to the States. That was just before I met Jay, five years ago.”
“Yes, he was offered a fantastic job over there. He didn’t intend to stay forever – then he met Lauryn.”
“Anyway, Ash lost contact with Jay for a while, but tracked him down through Facebook and asked if we’d like to go over for the wedding. We thought why not. We need a holiday, and America’s on both of our ‘to do’ lists.”
“Sounds like it’ll be a swish do.”
“Yes, we’re looking forward to it. And now you’re going to be there too.” Con shook his head again. “This is just surreal.”
“I know. I’ll have to call Ash. Haven’t spoken to him for ages anyway.”
“Actually you’ll get to meet Jay tonight. He’s picking me up – my car’s at the garage. Oh, wait ’til I tell him this!”
Any semblance of rhythm deserted us that night.
******
Jay turned out to be gorgeous too. He had deep, vaguely familiar chocolate dark eyes, which lit up as Con told him the story.
Then he smiled warmly at me, and I knew at once who he was. “Vanessa! I haven’t seen you since Ashley’s twenty-first. By the sound of it, your footwork’s improved somewhat.”
Jay – a name I’d assumed was short for Jason – was of course a friend of Ashley, at whose birthday party I muffed Grease Lightning in front of…”Justin Armstrong!”
I just laughed at the way this mad evening was going.
At least now I understood why no girls stood a chance with him.
******
“Has he got any brothers?” I whispered to Conrad later, as we followed Jay/Justin out of the hall.
“Three,” Con grinned. “All single. And straight. And they look just like him.”
“I’ve died and gone to heaven!”
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I like that you weave the story in a setting of dance without actually discussing the dancing itself. That's clever. Beware of using a lot of what I will call 'local terms'. Those of us not brought up in your part of the world are at a bit of a loss with 'I have a Strictly Come Dancing fixation.' and 'colour of Terry’s All Gold'.
Anything that distracts a reader is like a speed bump.
I did like your story. You have a very pleasant turn of phrase and the knack of describing thing obliquely that is charming. |
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Comment by: mark22 - 2008-08-19 08:06
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I once got into great trouble for saying that I didn't read one particular genre (you know the one where it's all cups of tea, and do have a biscuit, and isn't the weather awful) so I said that I would rather pass and not critique it. The other readers, mostly women, were not impressed at all.
But now I think that any writing can be reviewed by any reviewer, regardless of taste.
So here goes,
When neon pink posters announcing “Ballroom for beginners – coming soon!” started to adorn the community centre, I didn’t hesitate to exhume my leggings. [An extreme image, exhume bodies, find/dig out leggings]
I have a Strictly Come Dancing fixation. Since I was a little girl I’ve adored watching dancers; the energy and grace of choreography captivate [d] me. The manoeuvres and lifts those professionals perform so effortlessly are [were] magic to me. [tense confusion?]
I’m a sucker for films like Dirty Dancing and Flashdance too. Stories of girls becoming expert movers during the course of an 80s power ballad are irresistible fun. (Don’t worry, by the way, this isn’t one – I won’t be leaping into the splits or one of those gravity-defying lifts by the final paragraph.) [The narrator comes out of the story and talks to the reader, loses POV, does it add anything?]
So I signed up for the class, and tried to forget the last time I’d danced in the community centre. It was at my cousin’s twenty-first birthday bash. I was only seventeen, soused on two Babychams and burning to impress Justin Armstrong with my killer disco moves. Until the Grease Megamix came to grief, [did the music stop and come to grief, or do you mean the dancer] I toppled [over] in my new stilettos and landed on my bum at his feet.
Justin, at twenty-one, was A Man. He had wavy hair like a Calvin Klein model and eyes the colour of Terry’s All Gold, and was idolised by numerous girls. He appeared shy, though, and wasn’t known to take advantage of any desperate devotees. [good description]
He certainly didn’t act upon my efforts. His stifled smirk as I heaved myself off the floor made my innards shrivel. [Horrible, impossible image, try something simple like "made me blush"]
I winced a little when venturing on to that bum-bruising floor seven years later. However, I was sober this time, wearing better shoes and raring to go with my new hobby.
Being (the) first lesson for all of us, there was a lovely enthusiasm within the group. We numbered a good fifty, from teens to tea dancers, attending alone and in couples, many saying they were inspired by the TV show.
“You on your lonesome too,” asked a warm male voice beside me, “want to pair up?”
Mmm – tall, ruffled black hair, jolly eyes, lovely smile. This was a good start.
“Sure. I’m afraid my friends are hopeless. They’re washing their hair tonight, or washing the cat, or they’ve got dodgy ankles [this makes her friends sound old]. I’m Vanessa, by the way.”
“I’m Conrad. Couldn’t talk my partner into this either.”
Partner! Oh shame.
“No?”
“He can’t even bear being in the room when Strictly Come Dancing is on. Me, I can’t get enough of it.”
He? Oh, how to dash a girl’s hopes in seconds!
[At this point, I thought Conrad was lying, and he was straight and looking to pick up girls with this cover story - could the story go this way?]
Con and I danced well together, as it happened, and as our rumbas blossomed from week to week we bonded. I stood no chance with him romantically, of course, but we became firm friends. He talked with love about his partner Jay; their plans for a civil partnership. [This is interesting too, but can you say anything more about it?]
Not that nattering distracted our focus. We relished our lessons. “You have a natural sense of rhythm,” Con once complimented me.
Then one week, we found ourselves united further by a staggering coincidence.
“I’ve only got another three more classes,” Con forewarned me courteously, “then I’m off to America for a fortnight. Going to a wedding actually.”
“Hey, and me. Whereabouts is yours?”
“Philadelphia.”
“No way! Your bride and groom aren’t Ashley and Lauryn, by any chance?”
Even as I sniggered at the absurdity of my question, Con gasped. “How did you know?”
We gawped at each other like goldfish [do goldfish really do this?], before simultaneously breaking into a dazed giggle.
“Ash is my cousin,” I spluttered. “How do you know him?”
“I don’t really – never met him in fact – it’s Jay. They were at school together and kept in touch until Ash emigrated to the States. That was just before I met Jay, five years ago.”
“Yes, he was offered a fantastic job over there. He didn’t intend to stay forever – then he met Lauryn.”
“Anyway, Ash lost contact with Jay for a while, but tracked him down through Facebook and asked if we’d like to go over for the wedding. We thought why not. We need a holiday, and America’s on both of our ‘to do’ lists.”
“Sounds like it’ll be a swish do.”
“Yes, we’re looking forward to it. And now you’re going to be there too.” Con shook his head again. “This is just surreal.”
“I know. I’ll have to call Ash. Haven’t spoken to him for ages anyway.”
“Actually you’ll get to meet Jay tonight. He’s picking me up – my car’s at the garage. Oh, wait ’til I tell him this!”
Any semblance of rhythm deserted us that night. [Why?]
******
Jay turned out to be gorgeous too. He had deep, vaguely familiar chocolate dark eyes, which lit up as Con told him the story.
Then he smiled warmly at me, and I knew at once who he was. “Vanessa! I haven’t seen you since Ashley’s twenty-first. By the sound of it, your footwork’s improved somewhat.”
Jay – a name I’d assumed was short for Jason – was of course a friend of Ashley, at whose birthday party I muffed Grease Lightning in front of…”Justin Armstrong!”
I just laughed at the way this mad evening was going.
At least now I understood why no girls stood a chance with him.
******
“Has he got any brothers?” I whispered to Conrad later, as we followed Jay/Justin out of the hall.
“Three,” Con grinned. “All single. And straight. And they look just like him.”
“I’ve died and gone to heaven!”
[I thought the main storyline was a bit so-so and not exciting enough. If this happened in real life it would be a coincidence, and explain something that happened in the past (the lack of Jay's interest in girls) but what else? Can the story be made more important, tell us something about people, or life. Would your magazine readers put the story down and think, wow, that's so true, or interesting, and then tell their friends about the story they read.]
It looks like people's speech comes easily to you, so that is a big plus. But it was the big idea that was missing for me.
We're each other's readers by the way on edit.red (congratulations to both of us), and I know you want tough critiques, so I thought I would try. Forgive me if it's too rough. |
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Comment by: Leigh - 2008-08-14 05:03
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| Thanks Jamie - your comments are much appreciated! |
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Your writing style is very enjoyable to read. You write dialogue very well -- which isn't easy to do! I think the premise is interesting and my only suggestion would be to incorporate more description along with the dialogue sequence about the wedding.
Good luck with your story!
Best,
Jamie |
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