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Jinxed trip (Wee #41)
Smoke rose from the hut, a small one with thatched roof and decorated windows. I wondered if I could ask for the directions there. I was tired and lost in the woods. I have never been a keen walker, plus being a city dweller it's impossible for me to find this adventurous. I should have never listened to my friend about this trip into the woods.
I slowly approached the hut and knocked. The aroma was quite delicious or maybe I was hungry.
A beautiful woman opened the door, I smiled my best smile. She looked surprised and then I saw a gleam in her eyes, very unnatural.
“Hello…, I am lost.” Wow! What a wonderful opening sentence.
Without saying anything she ushered me in with a sweep of her hand.
It was a strange hut, funny masks which almost resembled human faces. She pointed to a seat which looked like a very huge pan, I hesitated. It all seemed strange.
“I just need directions.” I said helplessly.
I noticed the boiling pot on the stove, of an enormous size. I could fit into it easily was a crazy thought I had.
Those were my last thoughts anyways.
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Thanks Karl
I will try and put the suggestions to use in the next piece |
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Cool take on the theme, Nivedita. There are a couple things I would suggest here. First, look for "be" verbs (was, were, had been, be, etc) and try to find ways to replace them with more active choices. Second, try to find parts where perhaps too many words were used to describe an action or though -- and then figure out a way to tighten them up.
Example:
"The aroma was quite delicious or maybe I was hungry."
could be this, after switching out the "be" verbs and removing extra verbiage...
"The aroma made my mouth water"
...which makes the point in half the words. |
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| Nice little story. Works well in the amount of space we had. great work. |
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Thank you everyone for your comments.
@Arley and gilesmon, Thanks for the suggestion I have made the changes accordingly.
You know I realised after I completed the story that the writer could not have written it after his last thoughts but if he had a chance he would have written it like this. |
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Comment by: madmonk - 2008-07-25 12:12
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Its a creepy story indeed. As most of the mistakes are taken care of by other readers I will not go into details.
But I enjoyed the masks and boiling Pot scenes quite vivid |
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