The Front - Challenge 41
Smoke rose from the shell holes like the fingers of ethereal wraiths, before settling on the ground as a hazy smog that cloyed at the lungs. The bombardment stopped, the front stood still; a brief pause to catch our breath. A silence more deafening than any explosion rang in my ears. I tensed, listening for the first whistle of the bombs.
Rolling over as loose earth gave way beneath me, I thudded down the steep sides of the hole, my face splashing into the puddle of muddy water collecting at the bottom. Convulsing, I sputtered to rid myself of the filth that coated my mouth. A thin prayer formed on my lips as a whisper:
“Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name...”
If he heard, he didn’t answer.
Panic gripped me. The cries of the wounded echoed over the front; a cacophonic orchestra of weeping and desolation. After a time they would be released, their spirits cut loose from their bodies, left to wander eternal, like the ghosts of colours haunting a rainbow.
A voice penetrated my delirium, “Arthur…anyone?”
“Gerard?”
The metallic hiss of machinegun fire stopped short his answer and the veil of silence shatterd.
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As Heidi said, gritty.
Some crits:
"Smoke rose from the shell holes like the fingers of ethereal wraiths, before settling on the ground as a hazy smog that cloyed at the lungs." [I'm actaully trying visualize the smoke rising, then settling in a haze and I'm not quite making the trip. Also, unless one's face is in the muck, how would a ground level smog cloy the lungs. Perhaps I'm over-thinking this a bit, but then again. Try replacing "before settling on the ground as a hazy smog" with "joining a haze" and see how it reads.]
"The bombardment stopped, the front stood still; [in keeping with the cadence of the first part, shouldn't "stood still" be "stilled" ?]
"listening for the first whistle of the bombs." [probably drop "first" - after all, is it really the first?]
"Rolling over as loose earth gave way beneath me, I thudded down the steep sides of the hole, my face splashing into the puddle of muddy water collecting at the bottom." [Yum]
"After a time they would be released, their spirits cut loose from their bodies, left to wander eternal, like the ghosts of colours haunting a rainbow." [nice lines, but be careful trying to make this overly artistic]
"The metallic hiss of machinegun fire stopped short his answer and the veil of silence shatterd." [I don't know if I'd choose hiss as the verb here. Shattered is missing an e.] |
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Comment by: WLC Online- 2008-07-26 08:32
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"If he heard, he didn't answer." --loved this line. Painful, but great.
"Panic gripped me." para is fabulous--whoosh.
Convulsing seems off though--reminds me of someone having an "uncontrollable" epileptic fit. Maybe sub: "replused" (just me thinking out loud--ignore if you want)
"front" is mentioned twice: in first para and in para 5 (#5 being the one I love!) In such a small piece of work might want to change that up?
Maybe sub in first para: "time" stood still. (?)
Anyway, gripping piece of flash. Nice! |
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| Glad I'm here and not there-great imagery. |
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| Gritty and very timely - well done! |
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Rupert, got some crits if you want them:
Cloying usually refers to something sweet, so it's not right to describe smoke.
A front can't stand still since it's not moving. It can have stillness descend on it.
And if the 'cries of the wounded' are echoing over the front there's no 'veil of silence' to be shattered at the end.
Feel free to ignore! All the best, Giles. |
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