Monsoon-#20
High-desert breeze sifts through juniper
thickets, moaning to announce the coming
storm, scuttling, rustling phantoms move
to sheltering boughs and caves.
Cinnamon dust flies down narrow trails,
the wind twists faster, the cloud sinks
close, a fat, black bulk that pulses like a
dark bag full of shrieking demons.
Great drops twist into earth and puffs arise
and blow away, boom and crash and crazy
brilliant blinding shafts drive into mountain,
relentless, strike after pounding strike.
Sulphurous ozone, pine sap, rainspray, bile,
tang of blood, nostrils large and small can
smell the fear that permeates the wild
and huddle tightly, claws and horns alike.
Finally the main force moves along, finding
other random victims, the evil and the
innocent, but there were secret places, hidden
and protected, that had fallen into shadow.
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Comment by: alcarty - 2008-07-31 11:01
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| Well thought-out critique, John, and I appreciate it. I see your point about eliminating 'can', but to my ear it breaks the rhythm. Thanks for reading. |
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Comment by: Juan2 - 2008-07-30 20:13
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A fantastic poem here, Al. Filled with vivid images. Especially enjoy the line breaks - you've measured them perfectly so each line conveyes exactly what you want it to. Favorite example of this:
"High-desert breeze sifts through juniper
thickets, moaning to announce the coming "
First line has an other-worldly feel to it with the juniper (maybe just my mind, but instantly associated it with Jupiter) but also, each word is balanced and chosen to show the right scene, well done. Then the next line has a dark and sinful sexuality to it, literally to 'announce' the evil in the demons that are soon to arrive in the poem and to us readers. Very sadistic.
"a fat, black bulk that pulses like a
dark bag full of shrieking demons." - oh man that's great stuff, great rhythm and imagery, it's like jazz
"Sulphurous ozone, pine sap, rainspray, bile,
tang of blood," - really like this, too. It's a hodgepodge and somewhat chaotic, but it's a great representation of the air in that storm.
"...nostrils large and small (can)
smell the fear that permeates..." - okay, very small suggestion, and it's to just eliminate that 'can' - it's not needed and I think getting rid of it would enhance the rhythm with 'smell' immediately following 'small' - just a suggestion tho, so feel free to ignore.
"secret places, hidden
and protected, that had fallen into shadow." - great use of the last line, and also enjoy the layers 'secret places' creates. Speaks for more than the monsoon here, and can be taken to reflect much of the darkness of world today. Great stuff. Big, big fan of this poem.
happy writings. |
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Comment by: alcarty - 2008-07-28 12:54
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| Cheryl, I don't know why I didn't stop each stanza. I'll go do that now. Damned if I know. Probably another senior moment. I appreciate your comments. |
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Comment by: alien Online- 2008-07-28 12:35
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I really LOVE some of the imagery in this - it's ALIVE with fantastic pictures. I actually thought, wow I with I'd thought those up as I was reading some of your lines.
Excellent. Why don't you use full stops at the ends of the stanzas, though, where they seem to be wanted?
Great poem. :) |
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Comment by: alcarty - 2008-07-27 09:01
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| Mick, I'm glad if you liked it. Thanks. |
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