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Bird-foot
Smoke rose from the center of the Great Kiva at Chetro Ketl. The air was spicy- sweet with the smell of the burning pinyon pine. Bird-foot could hear the burbling voices of the men already seated inside.
“They have not yet begun to sing,” He thought.
An indigo night sky still clung to the west of the ochre pueblo buildings clustered in the canyon. A white wafer moon seemed to rest upon the western wall. The turquoise morning sky was streaked with gold and orange clouds above the plum-purple mesa to the east. A coyote silhouette barked and yodeled.
The summer solstice sun was about to rise. When its first rays formed a bright sepia rectangle on the dark west wall inside the kiva, illuminating the Kachina-priest, the men would start to sing “The Song of Ancestors.”
“I must hurry,” Bird-foot thought, trying to quicken his limping pace, hobbled by the deformed left foot that was his namesake. It scribbled short sentences in the cinnamon dirt as he hurried.
“I cannot be late. Father will not make a place for me. He will look away when I enter. I hope the others will not laugh at me again,” Bird-foot thought.
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Phil,
This is a very colorful and cinematic scene. And the previous readers are right - there is much to linger over and enjoy. I wonder, however, if you lean a bit too heavily on adjectives to carry it. I bring this up because I've been hit for it a few times myself. For instance, take the first line Wanda pointed out. That was awesome. But, is "cinnamon" really needed? Think of all the colors that come before this line. How else can they be mixed in without making them too obvious? |
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Comment by: madmonk - 2008-07-27 09:11
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| Very colourful and detailed descriptions. I enjoyed reading some very original sentences. Good write. |
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Comment by: Mick - 2008-07-26 18:01
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| This is great work Phill. Your imagery was fantastic. |
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Phil
This was a very descriptive and mind flowing scene. The way you paint with words is amazing. I loved it! |
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Comment by: alcarty - 2008-07-26 09:15
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| Could have been a scene from a longer work. Excellent narrative color and sense of place. It reads well, Phil. Good work. |
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