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crackednotbroken
Identity Crisis
United States, Texas

Words: 143
Access: Public
Comments: 2

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Poisonous Taker

You never let on, secrets.

Then I found a beast, so hideous

had devoured your soul,

just before eating out

your thumping heart.

It was then, I fell apart.

Smelled like sweet perfume

of roses? No lavender.

Poison, luscious lips hiding

gnashing, pointy sharpness.

Fooled, you want to follow.

Caution: Life and its curveballs.


Distracted, despite the angry

not so obvious, cruel intentions

backlash, in just an instant.

Regretful moments become

like those before us.

Undone, set, as in cement.

Hating everybody comes

back around, full circle.

Meanwhile, not one clue

despite forgiveness and sorrow.

Cold people are ruthless

living among us, in this hell.


When have you done enough of

robbing souls and separating

the purpose of takers and givers?

Yet, I cared even still, both boldly

band against me, as with

the ones before them, I've...

fallen into shadow.






© 2008 Identitycrisis

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Comments  
alien Comment by: alien - 2008-08-01 02:39
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There's a lot to like in this.

However, your overuse of the elipsis is a little unnerving and gives a stilted flow. Also, better use of punctuation (especially at line endings where you omit it, for some reason) would assist in the flow of this piece and signpost the way to deeper meanings. Line breaks are great, when used in conjunction with proper punctuation, to allow for a layered texture and that's when the depth comes in.

Also, be careful that you don't use weak words at the ends of lines because those words are the ones that lead the reader to the next line - rather like the cliff-hanger at the end of a novel's chapter. Try to use only strong, significant words at the ends of lines (and to some extent, at the beginnings, too) in order to move the poem along.

Lavender, not lavendar (just a typo, perhaps?)

The imagery is good but there's a few ways you could make this good poem great :)
DavidHe Comment by: DavidHe Online- 2008-07-30 20:31
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you have a very good imagination. I like the poem very much. Well done. Best wishes.
1

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By crackednotbroken

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