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holy smokes
Sending signals to the sky
For help and rescue from this place
Were all can only hope to die
A fast and running human race
Our course is treacherous and thick
our hearts and heads are likewise too
And all our words though many, quick
Will prove to be but dumb and few
Beyond horizons we may gaze
a shorter sight we couldnt have
For none can see beyond there grave
But those whove died to what they had
As our world turns and burns well make
Amends for weve stole and broke
The potter has the clay he bakes
And we the clay, his holy smokes!
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Comment by: Apollo - 2008-09-25 16:06
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I think in line 3 stanza 1 you meant for "were" to be "where"
line 2 stanza 3 you need and apostrophe in the word "couldnt"
line 3 stanza 3, I think you meant for "there" to be "their"
line 4 stanza 3, you need an apostrophe in the word "whove" - on a side note I don't really understand this line, "But those whove died to what they had" what does that mean?
line 1 stanza 4, I think you meant "well" to be "we'll"
line 2 stanza 4, apostrophe in the word "weve"
** I realize that all those grammatical corrections seem kind of trite but it really makes a difference to the reader. It sticks out and distracts me from the meaning in your poem. I feel like there is a lot of potential in this piece, however, I had a hard time connecting with it becuase I was so readily distracted with missing contractions and small errors here and there.
I understand if you needed to write and just get it out, I do that myself, but it helps to do a quick re-read before posting to make sure you haven't missed anything.
Also another small note, in stanza 2 and 3 you did not capitalize the first word in the second line... was that for a reason? Just curious... good luck. |
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