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mynamelez
Leslie Blackwell
Online
New Zealand, Wellington

Words: 182
Access: Public
Comments: 6

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misty rain-alien poetry 21

The rain falls on the sullen mourners, obscuring tears that carve crevasses in their ashen cheeks. Calming words from the stolid pastor ease breaking-hearts, vaguely barricaded by waning denials. Wrapping arms around shoulders and waists, they struggle to comfort one another.

The rain falls on the undertaker as he releases the trigger of the lowering-device. Bitter sobbing increases as the casket disappears beneath ground level. The pastor recites a well-known psalm. Some join in while others move their quivering lips inaudibly. Finally it reaches the bottom and rests.

The rain falls on an elderly woman as she stumbles but the Pastor catches her before she can fall into the open grave. Around her the mourners take turns tossing posies and tipping trowel-loads of soil onto the lid of the casket below, biding their last farewells.

The rain falls on the Mourners, Pastor and Undertaker as they depart. Workers remove to the lowering-device, mats and boards, and start shoveling. The casket disappears beneath the mud as the grave fills past the brim. Hungry worms attend their feast.

The rain falls on and on.

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Comments  
Mick Comment by: Mick - 2008-08-12 23:23
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Job well done Les. Very graphic. ;)
alien Comment by: alien - 2008-08-11 02:35
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Okay - it's poignant and I like the structural element of the beginnings of the 'stanzas' echoing each other, clearly demonstrating the ongoing pain of the loss (there's your metaphor, crackednotbroken).

There are a few too many adverbs in here for me - try to use more positive words to replace those. Also, a few SPG mistakes that could be rectified.

If you're going to use a formula, it might also be advisable to stick to it throughout: still the rain falls (I wouldn't call it misty rain - mist and rain are too similar - maybe drifting rain - I know the kind of rain you mean but I call it skinny rain and that wouldn't sound right here). The last line should be the same as the opening of all the other stanzas. Why change it?
frees340 Comment by: frees340 - 2008-08-04 10:15
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very good. Dark, mysterious, sad and solemn. Very poetic, but very fun to read. I love it. Keep it up.
phillmag Comment by: phillmag Online- 2008-08-02 10:23
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This is great. How about: And still the rain...
crackednotbroken Comment by: crackednotbroken - 2008-08-02 06:46
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Good writing Leslie, I'm wondering though (also about my piece for this challenge) should there be metaphorical references?
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