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Hamlet, Prince of the Park
My three year-old Old English Sheepdog, Hamlet, dashed across the jeweled green carpet of the park’s tree and fern walled chamber. The mounting sun lit a fluorescent fog ceiling which clung to the tops of September trees flirting with fall. Mourning Doves cooed imitation owls; distant dogs barked in un-seen vacant yards and children’s laughter gathered at street corners. Wet woods, damp tree bark and burning leaves incensed the sharp still air.
Hamlet’s breath snorted in steamy gusts against the morning chill, a canine locomotive. His powerful muscles stretched and flexed in a wild and random run and scoot. His black and white fur streamed back from his face because of his fast pace.
As he dashed, each paw crashed into the dew laden grass, splashing away diamond cascades in glittering ripples leaving a foot path of dark puddles across a crystalline floor, a record in absence of where he had been. When his panting run was done, Hamlet came to me, his broad pink tongue hanging sideways, dragging drool; delight danced in his brown and blue eyes, and he licked up the water that glassed my shoes.
Hamlet died last autumn. He was thirteen.
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You must read poetry.
The first sentence is split into fact [the first bit] and then description. The other other place with plain facts is the last two sentences. Therefore, I would make the first sentence into two separates, so there is a first last thing going on. Does that make sense?
A master should never have to bury their dog. |
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Comment by: Mick - 2008-08-12 23:05
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Awesome write Phil. Love it.
My dogs thirteen going on fourteen.... he doesn't run very much any more, it's more of an arthritic stagger. he's also as deaf as a post and sleeps most of the day... I'm sorry about Hamlet and I'm dreading the day my dog passes away.
Well done. :) |
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| I just lost my 11 year old dog last month. Your detailed remembrance of your dog made me cry. You did a wonderful job! |
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Comment by: alien - 2008-08-11 02:43
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I would lose the comma after three year-old - it makes the opening too staccato and isn't necessary.
"The mounting sun lit a fluorescent fog ceiling which clung to the tops of September trees that flirted with fall."
How about making this flow a little better by making it into: ...tops of September trees flirting...
Apart from those niggles, this is amazingly tangible and I'm fascinated by your descriptive use. It's lovely. :)
Sorry about Hamlet, though. It's awful when they die. Good memories, though - a fitting tribute to a great mut. |
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Comment by: mynamelez Online- 2008-08-11 01:51
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All I can say is wow. Your descriptions make this poetic-prose come alive.
My favorite would have to be: Hamlet’s breath snorted in steamy gusts against the morning chill, a canine locomotive.
I think locomotive sums up panting dogs aptly.
Losing a pet can be quite deverstating and is sometimes like losing a treasured member of the family, but memories live on as long as your mind allows. |
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