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Fine Line
Nightly phone-calls had become a real downer. Instead of silence or snapping there was now a dwindling, flat hiss of available communication space.
Fucking perfect timing for his phone to begin dying - he thought - and only last week it had been hers. What were the chances? It was as if we’d transplanted our hearts into the phones to bicker for us in metal instead of flesh. Metal was better, metal couldn’t hurt as much.
So now we had to yell at each other, unnecessarily, like two kids holding string-connected cans to their ears. Pulling, pulling, shouting, shouting – what did you say?
While all the while through pain and repetition the string unraveled around the middle. Between the two, untwirling, the line getting tighter and tighter and thinner and finer; flicking up the dust of itself in the waning light of a place which was starting to lose its name the further we leant back to keep the string taut.
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-08-08 13:42
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Aye, I'll echo previous comments about this being a fine metaphor. Very well done.
Couple of picky things:
POV jumps around a bit: you have 'his phone' 'he thought' etc. then you switch to 'we' and 'us'. The POV should really be consistent - either the mc's telling their story, or it's all third person.
'While all the while through pain and repetition the string unraveled around the middle' - I think you could do with bracketing commas around 'through pain and repetition', but I could be wrong.
Okay, pickiness aside, a good wee story.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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Thanks for the comments guys
I see what you mean about that line Ada, I've re-read it a few times and each time i read it it changes, now clunky, now not
thanks for reading! |
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Yep, smashing metaphor. Love the way the pace of this piece accelerates towards the end - it makes for a really effective rendering of their downward spiral.
Just one inconsequential crit -
'... starting to lose its name the further we leant back'
Can't quite put my finger on why, but this feels clunky. Would suggest 'as we leant back further and further' but it seems to take something away from the flow of the line.
Anyway, I'm tipping this to win. Thanks for sharing.
Ada XX |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-08-05 07:02
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| What a nice metaphor, great job! |
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