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Wishes
Wishes
As I hang on the wall, a memory of the once new happiness she passes before me. I am never looked at anymore, never once smiled at as the memory of my day rushes back to her in a memory so strong its almost like being taken all over.
She sits on the couch and turns on the TV, all she does since he left is watch that thing. She could be out, trying to find someone new but instead I lay forgotten. If only she sees that she needs someone, besides this house and me and the other pictures on the walls. All we do is make it worse, we remind her of her happiness that she no longer has. I've seen her happy, all giddy when he calls. Or when he comes over how she dolls herself up a bit and waits for him to sit down. Swear they get so close on that couch that she can almost taste his cologne, but whose one to judge.
But now she sits alone and there's no more murmured words before a race to the other room, no more lazy afternoon movie days, and no more smile on her lips.
Oh how I wish that he'd call her again, but I know his moved on, its just her stuck in the past.
The phone rings and she answers lazily. Her lips turn upward and she sits up straight.
'Yeah, I'd love it if you came over again. No need to be sorry, just come over.' she hung up the pone and went to fix her hair, he never takes long to get here.
Soon the door swings open and her smile grows bigger, its never left since he called. She hugs him close and the door is kicked shut. He whispers something to her and they race off to the other room.
I guess wishes can come true.
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| Hmmm, nice and thought provoking. |
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| It's interesting, since it's written from the perspective of an inanimate object. There are some grammar and punctuation mistakes that need to be corrected for the story to flow more easily. |
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Comment by: CayCay - 2006-04-10 16:35
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| thank you for your ideas, i always love to hear others points of view. i'm glad i touched someone. |
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interesting. even though it was with a girl, i have felt the same before. i could have looked for another, but i didn't. althought, i never really waited for her, could be because i dumped her. but regardless, i know that feeling of i just want to watch tv and kinda mope... or whatever... nicely done.
ps. the only other thing that i'd have to say about this, critically, would be that you switched from she to I and back several times. i'd personally keep away from this, but that's just me. |
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Comment by: yican - 2006-03-21 20:28
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Nice one! A story from a picture (hope I'm right) POV. I think you could add the description of the woman's feeling, so she was more alive to the reader. Also there are some grammtical error :
"As I hang on the wall, a memory of the once new happiness she passes before me..." add coma after happiness.
"She could be out, trying to find someone new but instead I lay forgotten..." this doesn't seem right, how about -She could be out, trying to find someone new but instead she just sit here-?
"Oh how I wish that heā??d call her again, but I know (his) -he had-moved on, (its) -it was- just her -that was- stuck in the past..."
And you should try to write your stories in past tense, not in present tense. |
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