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Lost
Lost without her, I feel deprived of even the savior’s touch.
Grey is the world without her, light does nothing to redeem.
Longing for her that burns eternally, without her I am lost.
Beauty personified, she‘s filled with compassion's touch.
Dear heart sail upon the wind, for I am here as always.
Longing for you, my heart shan’t fail to love you my beauty.
Fair wind blow my love to me, for my heart desires her touch.
Far too long have I weathered this stormy life alone.
Longing for a heart like mine, lost without my lady fair.
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Comment by: AJSmith - 2008-08-09 10:50
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Hi Robert. Looking at this as a sentimental poem, it works well. You express your feelings well and concisely. It just lacks a vividness, some imagery, something that extra exciting to make it more original, as this is a topic, and these are words, repeated and repeated and repeated.
This poem does have control though, benfitting from understatement. |
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| Robert-great work, very emotionally open. My favorite line..."Longing for a heart like mine, lost without my lady fair." Kudos to you for opening yourself up to Tony's sage wisdom. Keep it up. Bebe:] |
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| Tony thank you once again. You are far from being a thorn in my side. Your comments are exactly what I was hoping to get when I made you one of my readers. I've corrected the possesiveness of that word and agree that it looks better. It's been a long time since I've taken any kind of College level writing classes and I can tell that I've forgotten far more than I even remember learning. Thanks for your honest assesments. |
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Yes Rob, this reads much better and I can see your word pattern - it's very effective!
Sorry to be a thorn in your side, but I wanted so much for this to look great and now it does, just one more thing I spotted:
"she‘s filled with compassions touch" (compassion's).... the possessive case, it is there to ‘claim’ the touch. ~T |
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This poem is as Tony said over sentimental and yes the loss is overstated but with a deeper look into the design of the poem you will probably see why. i Wrote this poem as a game I was playing with myself simply to see if I could write a meaningful poem in this manner. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
First
The first and last word of each stanza is exactly the same. First stanza is the word “lost“, second stanza is the word “beauty”, and the third stanza is the word “fair“.
Second
The last word in the first sentence of each stanza is the word “touch”.
Finally
The first word of the third sentence is the word “longing”. |
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