Maybe it's not about the purpose that I want to serve.
The one that 'gives' my life meaning.
Not even the one that I felt deep down was for me.
Maybe it isn't my say.
Not my choice.
Not about my own happiness.
No purpose to keep me going.
Then what will?

Maybe it's not about me at all.
It's about where I'm needed.
Or even wanted.
What others, the world, etc needs me to do.
To go wherever I'm needed to be.

Maybe I won't be the one enlightening anyone.
Or helping anyone out of depression.
Maybe it wasn't my purpose to uncover the mysteries of the universe.
And write about them.
Or help anyone else with their mind.

I never even had the power to help anyone avoid making the same mistakes I've made..
Not even the one closest to me.

It was all an illusion, a fantasy.
I wanted to believe... that I fit in, was important, finally had a place in this world.
Finally was valuable to others... and had something in common to talk about.

Ourselves!
Our minds!
Our thoughts and feelings!
Our pains, beliefs, and past experiences!
Our chakras and energy bodies!
Anything.. everything.. that makes us who we are.
Uncovering the deepest most common reasons.. of why we do what we do.. behave how we behave... go through what we go through.

I thought the world needed me for that.
Specifically THAT... it was what I trained my whole life for... what I was good at.

But no... that left too.
And with it my soul, my purpose, my new found reason for being... for living,

What do I have left?
Anything that gives my life meaning.. can be taken away.
Anything gained can be lost... and in my life, that's the theme.

“Mysterious losses” they tell me.
I get it, I get it!

Nothing external is mine, permanent, or me...
Meaning and purpose were never real.. only temporary.

I feel like I'm here for YOU, not for me.
You say you love me and miss me.
But why?
Why do you keep me here?
You don't even take the help I offer...
and I barely take yours.

Sigh...
I wish that this life, would just let me be.
A meaningless life, is what I see before me.

But oh well “a thing IS it's meaning”
So there was never a meaning to find anyways.
All external meaning is just made up.
Emotional meaning that WE give to things.
Not real, never true.
Just one more way of deceiving ourselves.


P.S. You want the answer?

LIFE!

The fuckin' meaning of life is LIFE!

(but don't try to define it, categorize it, or conceptualize it into a philosophical or 'spiritual' framework... or you'll end up more confused and/or crazy... or WORSE, convinced that what you think and believe is the TRUTH.)


Now there... was it good for you?



August 11, 2008

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