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Fidelity
Sunlight on damp skin and ragged breath as I worship,
cry out for thunder once more.
Oh, to seek the lightning flashes of your gaze,
to be graced by the fall of love’s rain,
to ascend that sacred mount where the swell of ambrosia
graces your lips like a glistening promise—
You’ve become a god to me,
giving my poor mortal existence a glimpse of Heaven,
the hopes we’ll linger after the last beats of our hearts.
With you, eternity is tangible.
And yet, despite the whispered oaths and passionate swearing,
always the cloud lurking in the flawless sky,
always the doubt darkening my devotions,
disrupting reverent prayer:
Heaven must be a lie—soon your Hera will return.
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another great piece... I agree with Mick, though...
Though one line bothers me...
'the hopes we’ll linger after the last beats of our hearts.
perhaps just changing "we'll" to "the hopes that linger after...." ..just a thought |
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I did catch that after posting, JP, thanks. The current (unposted) version reads:
"Oh, to seek the lightning flashes of your gaze,
to be blessed by the fall of love’s rain,"
Glad you read it for me! |
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| 3rd & 4th lines are wonderful, Ash. Lovely poem. My only suggestion is not to use the word 'grace' for: 'graces your lips like a glistening promise', as you've used 'graced' better 2 lines previous. Thanks for the read. |
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| Thanks, Mick--I'll try a different line. First drafts are always drafty. |
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Comment by: Mick - 2008-08-13 03:42
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Nice work Ash... Though one line bothers me...
'the hopes we’ll linger after the last beats of our hearts.
something in 'the hopes we'll' disrupts the flow of the piece imo.
Well done :) |
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