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Clouds
Clouds
Nina watched as a turtle slowly pulled its head into its shell and morph into a coconut. Fish swam by, but always seemed to become one elephant on a boat. Before her eyes and for her delight alone, a pig sprouted wings and changed into a horse. Silently the world grew and shrank and changed, drifting softly into the indecisive wind.
In desperation to hold the art still, Nina blew a dandelion puff against the breeze; alas her soldiers flew back and tangled in her hair. Not wanting to waste more time, Nina focused on remembering the curve of the lampshade and the puff of the rabbit tail. No photograph could hold this and like a fingerprint it would never be replicated. It became Nina’s sole purpose to hold on to this. Nina tried until the sky grew dark and her mom called her in for dinner.
Years later, she lay in the grass and tripped on some pills and saw colors in the clouds. Which was close, but nothing like it was before.
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Yep. That last line packs a powerful punch.
I think the second paragraph could do with a little work.
Nits :
'could hold this.... to hold on to this...' The repetition bugs me - it doesn't seem to achieve any great stylistic effect.
Nina Nina Nina. Again, the repetition seems unintentional, and I'd substitute some pronouns.
Loved the dreamlike flow of the cloud shapes from one form to the next which you've achieved so beautifully in that first section.
'drifting softly into the indecisive wind.' - fantastic alliteration to render the whispering breeze.
Take it steady XX |
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| pure brilliance. words cannot capture the mental orgasm this piece gave me. for serious. |
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Quite a potent piece.
It's really impressive that you use so little to say so much.
The quick, cutting closer is such a sharp contrast to the warm, drawn-out imagery from the beginning.
I almost wish it were longer, but it's perfect that it isn't.
3 paragraphs to depict the decline of childhood and the bitter longing toward innocence.
Goosebumps, yo. |
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