Alright, I feel like undertaking a little project here. I'm pretty much going to wing it and leave this post unedited and such.

Is love really in the cards for me?
Am I really going to find my love?


I've asked myself this question several times in my life, especially in the past few years, when a lot of the other guys were starting to pick up the girls that I was looking for. It made me feel tremendously bad, too, because I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life - my stepfather didn't go on a date until he met my mom shortly before my grandfather died in 2004. He didn't turn out too bad; I've sort of tried to get along with him as best as I can.
Perhaps in that sense, that's why I'm so afraid of love and so oblivious to the power it holds. My stepdad is really nice and cares about me and my family, but I still am a little bit afraid of having him in my life. Sure, it's purely my mom's interest; put me aside and put him first in my life. I don't know how my mom can say to me that she will always (and I mean ALWAYS) love me and my brother first. Does that mean that I'm still only a fractional part of her life now? I don't want any less of the pie, and I find it hard to believe that she can love us and my stepdad at the same time.
That being said, when my mom told me my stepdad proposed to her (at Eat-N-Park in State College, before my eyes) I could not believe how love had turned my life upside down again, and I was vulnerable to it, because no longer was I the elder male of the house. Sure, my grandfather's passing left a huge hole, but what was I supposed to do? I couldn't order her to disavow my stepdad's words. I couldn't ask her even in the sweetest tone that I was not permitting it in my house. But, it was imposed, and just like any other change in one's life, I had to take it on with a smile, even if I wasn't exactly coy to it on the inside.
At any rate, I didn't mean to go on a tangent with that, but it sets for a good base. I think my main problem is that I am afraid of love because I'm not the sexiest person nor the sweetest person nor the most intelligent person. I can't find beauty on my skin; I know that every single woman I've ever talked to wants Prince Charming, David Hasselhoff and Justin Timberlake in one. 95% of the men I see fit this profile. I don't even ask women my age in my life if they even want to go to lunch with me - mostly because I know NO is the answer. Heck, I don't even ask anyone to lunch, because I'm just going to get NO again. I wish someone would go to eat with me, but you know, college kicked me out of the social bourgeoisie a long time ago. If you don't believe me, ask the people in 608 Walker. I could walk in there butt-naked, and no one would speak or even stare. My fault? Don't know. I don't ask.

But even though the social aspect sucks, I still seem to fall in love very easily. Often women in my life get scared of me because I'm quick to get attracted to females. There were a few who I had barely befriended before I started dreaming of having a relationship with them - and some of those dreams were my most cherished! - and suddenly I began writing verse about them and trying to get to them in the most indirect way possible. I didn't want to confront them - being a stalker bothers me tremendously - but damn, if I could be their all, oh, the feeling it would create! But I don't know what to do with dreams - I can't tell a woman I'm dreaming of her, because they would never speak to me again - but often the one thing that I could do to get a girl hooked on me would be to risk telling them that I want to be their all. It's risky, but what else can I do?

In that sense, I am going to have to make progress with women in general. I don't want to be lonely - it doesn't have to be marriage or a Prince Charming rescues the Princess from a castle and they trot away on a beautiful stallion into the sunset. I just would like it if there was someone who I could spend a night or two every week just talking about stuff. We could sit there and just be happy with each other. I don't need a tremendous amount of love, but I'm sick of being the only person in State College who walks alone all the time because he can't get a woman to befriend him.

It sounds like desperation, or just somebody who is kind of just asking to be lonely. I know people are afraid to message me on MySpace, Facebook, et al. Nobody wants to say things to me because they fear I'll latch on to them and never leave them alone, and be a cancer upon their egos. I'm not like that - I seem that way because I'm trying to make connections so hard that it seems like I'm out to annoy you or your friends. I'm not a mean person or deformed in any sense. I like having random talks (bothers people) and having opinions (bothers people) but I can't get a conversation (everyone likes that!).

I ask then, to all my friends or people who know me: If you wanted to love me for some reason, what do I have to do? Do I need to go and reform myself in some way? Do I need to change what my body looks like? Or do I just need to leave everyone alone so you can sort out your Meteo homework (due tonight by 11 PM to the office downstairs)? And in that same sense, what do I need to do in order to have someone say "I love you, Steve!" and mean it? I've tried everything in my catalog; now I'm coming around to your end of the bargain. If I need to do something, I want to know. I care about everyone I know, and I want to help anyone I can.

In that same sense, is it something about my personality that makes people want to disconnect from me? I mean, for example, no one ever wants to do homework or labs or papers with me. Is it my laissez-faire view of life? Or am I too uptight on stuff?

If this bugs you, it should. I want everyone I know, whether it's on Facebook, MySpace, whatever, to think about this, even for a couple of minutes. I am leaving myself vulnerable to interpretation - but that's my intent. I don't mean to be stunning or a social retard, but dammit, I need you to help me. Help me be a better friend. Help me be loved. And help me definitely find someone I can love until I can't love someone anymore.

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