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At the end (revised13 Mar)
White and
white
and black
spots
Passion
no red
No more read
am I
in your eyes
'til Death
comes
laughing at
our dreamed of
life
Our dreaded
deaths painted
lines through our lives
lies through our hearts
and black in our heads
Melted together
strangled in our
obssessive
need
Love
thrown out
years ago
when I said
I do
and you
thrust your
want
into the eyes of God
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| Initially it was a little hard to follow, but after re-reading, I really like the ambiguity, because it allows the reader so many ways to interpret it. I definitely like how you didn't use punctuation, because that lets the reader pause anywhere they feel the need, adding even more opportunities for interpolation. Great read! |
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Comment by: Khema - 2006-03-16 09:39
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| interesting use of red and read. there is an open interpretation throughout the poem which can be read in a few different ways to suit the reader. very beautiful and passionate work. K~ |
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| Thanks Mickey, I've deleted the punctuation, you were def right with that one. Re-readig it myself, it does seem easier on the eye. Many thanks for your input, it's been valuable :-) |
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Comment by: mickeyp - 2006-03-13 07:39
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Wow, excellent job of revision! It appears much easier to the eye and far more comprehensible to the understanding. One thing: I wouldn't use punctuation. I would capitalize the beginning of a thought, as I said before, to allow the form to flow into itself without pause.
I like this very much. You've created a poem that speaks to the mind. |
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Comment by: nesca - 2006-03-12 01:18
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| very alive, loaded with feling, love it! |
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