Vacation (LEFT LUGGAGE/Karjon 46)
"He's coming to . . ."
If my eyelids had been glued together they couldn't have been more difficult to part. Through swollen slits I managed to bring a teary blur into focus, recalling I'd been tied to a chair.
SCHWAAAAAAAP
My head snapped leftwards. Searing pain assured the nunchucks had broken my jaw.
"Where's the suitcase?"
Bloody strings of snot and spittle oozed through my shattered teeth. Eying the slimy stream I retched. "Urggggh . . . I . . . t-told you . . . I don't know wha-what . . . you're tal-king about."
A boot buried itself in my stomach. I lurched forward, my partially digested pre-flight meal splashed off my knees like a polluted waterfall. "P-please . . . your ma-king a mis . . . take."
A swift kick split my nose as blows from unseen weapons hurled me into regions of torment hell itself couldn't muster. I had no idea who these Cubans had mistaken me for, but I knew why. Damn Miami beaches!
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-10-03 08:27
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Oh no! You're right, Karen, kicking myself for putting WRETCH for RETCH, will amend pronto. Thanks for spotting it.
Heh heh, you spotted my wretchedness too, didn't you, Phil? Miami Beach turned out to be a Bitch for this poor guy. Thanks! |
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| Oh,Arley! You wretched retch!! Yeewww!!! Was that Miami beaches or bitches?? |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-10-01 16:44
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For the most part, I really liked this, Arley - but one major bug-bear of mine is things like 'SCHWAAAAAAAP'. I dunno, it just gives a story a kind of cartoon feel. Now, if you told me his head 'schwaaaped' or the blow 'schwaaaped his head leftwards' I'd believe you, and I'd appreciate the word you'd invented to describe that sound. But as it stands, it takes me out of the story 'cause I'm thinking Batman and Robin and 'Kerpooooow', you know what I mean?
One other picky one (and you are so going to kick yourself for this one) 'wretched' should be 'retched'.
Uber-pickiness aside, another good one from you, sir.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-09-24 10:18
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| Thanks Carlos! Nothing like this but back in my teens I did have a guy holler for help and three guys besides the one I was supposed to fight came running, heh heh. Good news for me, they had a big, big friend who pulled them off before it got too out of hand. |
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| Enjoyable read, very description with whats going on during the story. Did this really happen, maybe? |
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